Moving On & Identity

SEEK2015 is over. I'm sitting at my kitchen table, drinking coffee, with Penny & Sparrow playing in the background thinking about how strange that is. Every waking second for the past four months have been consumed by this conference. This past year has been spent pouring over preparations to make this conference for 10,000 a reality. And now it's all over.

Sure, there are bills to pay, wrap up meetings to have, and summary reports to write. But for the the vast majority of the world, it's over. On to the next thing, right? Now it's time to pour into NST and into SLS and wrap my mind around the next big event FOCUS will be hosting.

That's what I thought the plan was.

Instead, I will be packing up all of my things and moving away from Denver and away from FOCUS to a fresh start in a few days. I'm terribly overwhelmed, excited, and sad. These people I've had the incredible honor of working with these past 1.5 years have shaped me so much. I look up to them in their faith and in their professionalism, and I hope to be like them one day.

Though it is hard and though I am sad, I am at peace. Jesus' hand is upon my shoulder, mourning FOCUS with me, but turning my head towards the Chicago skyline as we take this next step in the journey together.

What is scariest for me is what the answer to that daunting question of "who are you?" will be now that FOCUS Events is in my past. I remember a moment at the very beginning of the second semester of my senior year of college when I first confronted this question. I was stumped. For the past 3 years when someone asked me who I was, I was able to list a paragraph of positions and titles that made me important on campus: Panhellenic President, VP Greek Programming, Director of Special Events, etc. When I was a second semester senior, I no longer held those positions, and I didn't know how to define myself anymore. I was asked the question, "who are you," and I didn't know how to respond.

Now here I am, three years later, when my defining role is gone again and I am left with just me and Jesus. I don't know how I will respond when the question is asked. I thought it would terrify me. Instead, the future is exciting.

On the plane to Nashville, Holly & I sat by Sr. Amata of the Servidora's.  Out of no where she started talking about how when we work in the Church, we have a higher risk of attaching our consolation and identity to our work instead of simply attaching it to Jesus. She said that when people leave their work in the Church, they are uncomfortable for a bit as they stretch and learn how to just be with Jesus, but God usually calls them out so they can learn in a deeper way that their identity lies solely in Christ.

That's what I want for myself. Identity has always been my core issue, as it is for so many. For years after my conversion, I pretended that I no longer struggled with attaching my identity to what I do and the titles I wore. But as I walk away from FOCUS, I know it is still my biggest struggle. So as Jesus and I drive the 1,111 miles to Chicago, I pray that He can begin to chip away at who I think I am and replace that idea with who He wants me to be.

So pray for me as I move to the city, and pray for me as I wrap up this chapter of life in Denver. Though I do not know what the future holds, I know it is bright, because I will face it with Jesus.

Mass in Spanish

I took three years of spanish in high school (well technically two - year one was in middle school), and I remember approximately 0.17503% of it. A little came floating back to me when I went to El Salvador for a week sophomore year of college, but it didn't last much longer than that. (Though I did think a girl said "I cheese you" instead of "I love you." Whatever "queso" & "quiero" sound the same.)

My mom, sister, and I were in Mexico on a Sunday, which meant venturing into town for Mass. I was really excited about this. I wanted to see where the people of Puerto Morales worshiped and how they engaged in the Mass. I was looking forward to what I love the most about the Catholic Church - the universality of it. No matter the language, the Mass is the same. Jesus is always present. 

They were kind enough to have the first and second readings in Spanish and English (which my sister and I somehow got roped into reading - worst), but that was it.

As the Mass continued, I tried to focus on the externals and the fact that even though I couldn't understand what they were saying, I knew that Jesus was truly present in that place, so it didn't matter that I didn't really know what they were saying.

In the middle of the Eucharistic Prayer I noticed that whenever the priest or congregation addressed Jesus in prayer, they used the word "tú" for you. A tiny amount of Spanish came floating back to me. Tú is the pronoun you use when you are talking to someone informally, like a friend or an equal. Usted is the pronoun you use when you are speaking to someone in a position of authority, someone you respect, or someone you don't know well.

When you pray in Spanish, you don't address Jesus as a formal, far off figure, you address him as a friend. How beautiful. 

In the midst of Holy Week, I am grateful for simple reminder that Jesus is my friend, someone who chooses to come down to my level, so I can speak to Him freely and without reserve.

3 Things To Do When You're Feeling Lonely

OK, real talk: sometimes, being a 20-something sucks.

Being a real adult can be pretty. I know that I am not alone - Jesus is with me, I have friends all over the country, and I know I am blessed with many people who love and care about me. But sometimes I just feel lonely, you know?

When I get stuck in these ruts, I want to curl up in my bed, watch endless hours of Netflix, eat Cherry Garcia FroYo from Ben & Jerry's, and sometimes just cry for no reason. The last thing I want to do is be around people - it just takes so much effort.

Yet wallowing in this doesn't accomplish anything. So instead of quitting everything I am involved in so I can watch every television show ever made, I try to fight the loneliness by getting out of my comfort zone.

How I tackle the days I feel lonely can be summed up in these four words from Papa F:

Step Outside of Yourself.

These words are big and bold on my bathroom mirror, so I have to see them multiple times a day. When I'm feeling alone, I am believing a lie that I am not valuable, unloved, and a burden to others. Stepping outside of myself immediately cuts through these lies and allows me to glimpse the version of myself who God is asking me to be.

The three main ways I step outside of myself are in my mission, in my community, and by practicing gratitude.

In Mission:

There is no better way to be grateful for who you are and what you have by serving others. Go to a soup kitchen. Buy the homeless man on the street lunch. Teach someone something. Get involved in a ministry that occurs fairly often to help you get into the habit of serving.

For me, it helps to turn my attention to my relational ministries. Once I start day dreaming about the things I would love to do with my high school girls, I get caught up in the excitement and immediately start making plans. Suddenly I seem to forget my emotional state of loneliness because I want to be there for these girls and show them that they are not alone. 

In Community:

This one is a little harder, because it involves directly addressing the wound I am feeling. But the best way to fight loneliness is to reach out to someone else. Who knows, maybe you will have reached out to them at the perfect time. Write a letter. Call a friend who lives far away. Make plans to grab coffee or ice cream with someone. I don't care if you were the one who initiated hanging out/talking last - kill your pride and offer love to a friend. The moment someone reaches back your belief that others do not care no longer exists. Pour into them, ask them good questions about their lives. Investing in another human pulls you out of yourself and helps you love yourself better.

Practicing Gratitude:

"Everything sucks and no one likes me." Unfortunately, these words have come out of my mouth plenty of times. Now, I try to sit down at least once a week and write out a list of what I'm grateful for. I don't put a limit, but I try to get to at least ten things. Even if they are simple, like "I'm grateful I can drive myself to work every day," or if they seem silly, like "I'm grateful Lovesick came onto my iPod this morning," write them down and remember the gratitude. Sit with these things, and really allow yourself to be thankful. This can help us force perspective, and can help us focus on what we do have instead of what we think we do not.

So the next time you're feeling lonely or unwanted or unvalued, I challenge you (and myself) to try to remember to step outside of yourself and do one of these things. 

BONUS POINTS if you engage in some mission with other people and then are grateful for it later.

P.S. Tried stuff like this and nothing seems to help? Don't hide and don't be ashamed. There's a difference between occasionally being down and lonely and being depressed. Check out this website to find a Catholic therapist near you. Remember, no matter what, you are loved, you are important, and it is okay to need a little help.

Note to Self: You'll never be satisfied.

I want a new purse. More dresses. Cuter shoes. A bigger apartment. A new car. More friends. A better job. To make more money. To be successful.

At camp, we do this skit where the main character feels really empty inside, and so they start trying to fill themselves up with all this stuff. They go on a crazy shopping spree, make the team, and even get a new boyfriend/girlfriend. But they still feel empty. As they confide this information to a friend, the friend introduces them to Jesus. And suddenly, that hole in their heart is filled.

I think this story can ring true in a lot of different ways. It is the undertone to my story of reencountering Christ, and I think all of us deal with this to some extent.

Right now, this struggle is manifesting itself in the form of location. Whenever I travel somewhere new, whether that's a new area in Denver or a different city, I say to myself, "gosh, I could live here!" I have a restless heart that wants to explore and travel and live in the trendiest areas of the trendiest cities.

This happened again last weekend. Friday, I was walking through The Highlands and saw all these apartment buildings with an incredible view of Denver. So I started googling them to see how much rent was (note: $2,000/month for a studio is out.of.control). Saturday, Jess and I were walking around downtown and I started to take note of where the different apartment buildings were.

No matter where I live, something always feels a little out of place. Sometimes I wonder if this is because I moved around so much.

But then it dawned on me. Or, to be more accurate, it smacked me right in the face.

I will never be satisfied with a new house, a new apartment, or a new city.

I will never be satisfied with my roommates, no matter how great they are.

I will never truly be home.

Because this place, this world, is not where I am meant to be.

I am meant for Heaven, for union with Christ.

So the next time I feel myself lusting over that high-rise apartment that faces the I-25 bridge and the beautiful Denver skyline, I will remind myself that no, this apartment will not make my life better. I will turn to Christ in the Eucharist and continue to look forward to the day I will truly be home.

MARCH In Review: How I failed a lot

This month, I wanted to focus on my relationship with Jesus. So I set all of my goals around this feat. 

1. Committing to my holy half hour. Like getting there right at 10:30 and not leaving until 11:00.

• I actually did this! But prayer was still hard. However, I'm trying to remember that half of the battle is showing up. So it's a start.

2. Making 3 additional visits to the Blessed Sacrament each week. 

• Fail.

3. Making it to daily Mass 4/5 days of the week. I mean, we have a chapel with daily Mass in our office. I have no reason not to go as often as my work schedule allows it!

• Fail. I went to Mass, but not 4/5 times per week. I'm still working on getting out of the habit of working through Mass. 

4. Getting in the habit of practicing the presence of God.

• Semi-success. I love this practice, but it hard to do. I'm definitely working on making it a habit and I practice Jesus' presence whenever I remember. So...I'm working on it.

I didn't really want to write this post because I did not do well with my goals or doing my part in growing my relationship with Jesus. I honestly slacked off this month. Which is dumb for a lot of reasons. But I want to be honest and practice vulnerability because I think that is something we all could be a little better at. 

Sometimes, I read other people's blogs and get discouraged because they are so holy/funny/creative/perfect. And I realize that these people aren't really perfect and aren't even really trying to portray themselves as perfect, but it's a way the devil can attack me. So I want to be honest with you and let you know that in no way, shape, or form am I perfect or really, really holy. This month, I sucked at praying and being Catholic. And while maybe it's not okay or ideal, I am in a place where I am aware of my shortcomings and can turn to Christ for his mercy and help to move forward. I think that is a good place to start moving forward.

So by the grace of God, I plan to pick myself up and recommit to my prayer life. Jesus, give me the grace to respond to your love in my life.

The Practice of the Presence of God: A book review

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So, I downloaded this book way back in August, but I only got about half way through. Now after rereading it I know why. This book is incredible and every sentence requires a holy hour of meditation after you finish reading it. It's intense, yet simple. Profound, yet full of incredible common sense.

Br. Lawrence was a religious brother who lived in the 1600's. He had an incredible closeness to Jesus and was able to actively live that out every day. 

What I admire most about Br. Lawrence and this book is his profound self-awareness and dedication to his resolutions. He says over and over that he decided he would give himself wholly to God, so that's what he did. And when he lost sense of Gods presence or sinned, he simply turned his heart back to Jesus and started over. 

How beautiful this way of life is. It exemplifies everything I hope to be. I admire his will and love how simple he views the spiritual life. He understands that he is a sinner and without God he can do nothing. How often so we get mad at ourselves for failing or turning from God? I get angry about this on a weekly (daily) basis. And then I feel like I can't talk to God because I haven't behaved perfectly. But, I don't think that's what Jesus wants. I think this practice of the presence of God pleases him greatly and makes him smile. He just wants to be with us, and this practice does that in a beautiful and humble way. 

So I'm trying to take a page from Br. Lawrence and trying to consciously find Jesus with me at all times. And when I forget or mess up, I will simply ask Jesus to help me to continue on.

PS - It's free on Amazon.

Some favorite quotes:

Make immediately a holy and firm resolution never more willfully to forget Him, and to spend the rest of your days in His sacred presence.

The least little remembrance will always be acceptable to Him. You need not cry very loud; He is nearer to us than we are aware of.

That it was a great delusion to think that the times of prayer ought to differ from other times.

It was nearly impossible to stop at three quotes. I think I highlighted 99% of the book.

#TecumsehTuesday: Falling in love with Camp Tecumseh

Hopi Cabin, Week 7 2012, Blazers

My first experience at camp was through the Outdoor Education Program. The Smokey Row 3rd grade class always went. My mom got to be our chaperone, and we stayed in Peoria cabin. I don't remember much from this trip, but I remember telling my mom I wanted to go to camp during the summer time and making a candle.

My first summer as a camper was 2001. I had just finished the 5th grade and I had been waiting for this moment for two years. I barely got in - Mrs. Bartheld called once a week to see if the wait list had changed. It wasn't until the last minute that we got the news. Kristen and I were going to the Camp for a full week. It was Week 3, and we were Potawatomi Braves (now they're called Blazers). The minute my parents came to pick me up I announced that one day I would be a Camp Tecumseh counselor and I wanted to stay at camp forever. I'm sure my parents laughed at me and just took me home.

I talked about camp for weeks, reenacting our cheer, singing songs, and telling stories of mud hikes and skywalkers and blobbing and learning to do fancy dives in diving clinic. I started counting down the days until summer 2002.

What I remember most from that summer was how alive the faith was. For the first time, I encountered incredibly normal and cool people who had so much fun living their lives to the fullest, who also loved Jesus. I had never experienced anything like it. We sang songs at chapel, we talked about God during random games and fun we were having, and we sat down at night to connect with Jesus and one another. The biggest thing was that we even talked about Jesus outside of mealtime prayer and church. It was normal, like he was just another friend everyone had. I remember thinking I couldn't tell my parents that this was a Christian camp - they probably had no idea since I had no idea. (Obviously, they knew...)

In the 6th grade, my faith really started to become alive. I was filled with questions: how did Jesus know to make me? Why did God put me with my family? What if I had been born in China 200 years ago? How is possible that Jesus loves me and knows everything about me and everyone else at the same time? I was hungry for Truth, and I ate up everything my Sunday School teacher had to say that year.

Whenever I tell my story of faith, I say that I've always been the "weird one" who prayed in my family and that my faith was just naturally there. But as I think back, I realize that didn't start until 6th grade. In 2009 when I joined staff, it clicked. Camp Tecumseh was 100% responsible for my faith, and my relationship with Jesus.

Sure, camp was fun, and I'm pretty sure 11-year-old-me wanted to be a counselor so I could swim in a lake all summer, but I just couldn't get enough of camp. When I told stories, it never had to do with the church aspect. But if I were take Jesus and the I'm Third motto out of Tecumseh, would I have loved it as much? I don't think so. Sure, it would have been an incredible and fun outdoor camp, but something would have been missing. On the surface, I fell in love with the activities. Now I realize that I fell in love with Camp Tecumseh because that's where I fell in love with Jesus.

My counselors that first summer had no idea the seeds they planted in my heart. Their love of me, their investment in the mission of Tecumseh, and their love of Jesus changed my life in a small, yet immensely significant way.

Unfortunately, all my pictures from that summer seem to have gone missing. I was hoping to fill this post with hilarious pictures of 11 year old me, but oh well :)

welcome to lent 2014.

Lent has 3 parts: prayer, fasting, and almsgiving. Here's how I'm implementing them into my life for the next 40 days.

Fasting. 

I put this one first because the other two will flow from this fast.

HAHAHAHAHAHA.
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So, I really love TV. There are approximately 12 shows that come out on a weekly basis that I watch, plus series on Netflix and Hulu Plus that I watch. Gosh, that's awful when I break it down like that.

My fast has to do with consuming media that is positive and consuming it in moderation. For the sake of lent, I am giving up all of my TV shows, and I will only watch movies if it's with other people.

Since lent is supposed to change us and bring us closer to Christ, I don't want to go back to this habit of excessive television when it's over. But more importantly, I want to cut out the shows that negatively impact my world view. So later on during this season of lent, I'll be examining whether or not it is a good choice to keep watching certain shows. By doing this, I will (hopefully) create a spirit of moderation as well as positivity.

Prayer. 

I AM GOING TO HAVE SO MUCH FREE TIME WITHOUT ALL OF THIS TV. Maybe I'll even go to bed at normal hours.

What I really want to do is cultivate a habit of feeding myself spiritually in my free time. So instead of watching tons of television, I'm going to try to read one spiritual book per week during lent. I figure I'll have the time.

This will allow me to keep Jesus present in my mind and learn from my brothers and sisters on how to grow closer to Jesus. Any suggestions?

Almsgiving. 

So, since giving up television means giving up Netflix and Hulu Plus, this means I'll have an extra $16 on hand for the next two months. Not much, sure, but (almost) enough to feed a child for an entire year.

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I learned about Mary's Meals over the summer, and I've been meaning to donate to them. (Emphasis on the meaning, because I haven't done it yet.) A missionary held a screening of Child 31, a documentary that shows the impact of Mary's Meals worldwide and I fell in love.

This organization provides meals for kids at school. And it's even cooler than that: they buy local, cook food that the kids are used to, and recruit volunteers from the local community to make and serve the kids. In doing this, they are truly changing the whole community. My favorite part of the documentary was when parents said they were continuing to send their daughters to school so she could have a free meal. 

So not only is Mary's Meals feeding the hungry, they are helping kids get a full education.

It costs $16.80 to feed a child for an entire year. If I add an additional $1.60 to that $32 I'll be saving these next two months, I can feed two kids. 

Check out their website for more information on the incredible work they are doing.


I hope you all have a blessed lent! I'd love to hear:
1. What are you giving up for lent?
2. Suggestions for good spiritual reading!

how to lent.

Guys, lent is 2 days away.

I really like lent. I like that it's penitential. Is that weird? After the buzz and excitement of the holidays, I tend to start being selfish. Everything in my life somehow seems to be about me, so lent is a smack in the face right when I need it. Lent reminds me what my life should be all about: Jesus.

I'm sorry if this post was misleading, because I can't tell you specifically how to do lent. But I can give you some resources that I'll be using for lent:

Well, first, here's a great explanation of lent from a fellow FOCUS missionary:

Love this: "It's about giving up something that's good so you can focus on something even better."

Good advice from a priest (stolen from a friend's fbook status. HEY, KELSEY):

You should choose something that will transform your relationship with Christ and have a lasting impact. If chocolate is something that ties you to this world, give it up, but don't go back to eating it in the same way you did before the fast being tied to having it every time you crave it. If you decide to go to daily Mass, don't let that stop once Lent is over. Choose something that will bring you closer to Christ and make you a different person than before.

Daily Updates:

Like FOCUS on facebook, follow the blog, follow them on twitter, or download the lentsanity app. Some sweet people at FOCUS (no, not me), created this app to provide you with resources to help you grow in your faith this lent. There's even a "meat police" feature on the app to remind you not to eat meat on Friday's. Hilarious.

Original ideas on what to give up:

Check out CatholicVote. They have some creative ideas on what to give up for lent.

When it comes down to it, what you give up for lent is totally up for you. But don't go in half way. If you go all in and allow Jesus to use lent to change you and bring you closer to Him, you're doing lent right.

March: MORE JESUS.

Welcome to March! Oh my gosh, it's MARCH. March is the best month:

1. Spring break
2. St. Patrick's Day
3. MY BIRTHDAY
4. St. Joseph's Day
5. Spring is just around the corner
6. There was always a cute little lamb to symbolize March for kids and lambs are just so cute!

Goal setting was kind of weird for this month, since lent starts in 4 days. But I went back to my mantra and focused on what I wanted to do to make this a reality in March, regardless of the fact that lent was just around the corner.

If I'm being honest with myself, the "more Jesus" portion of this theme went away for awhile. It wasn't intentional - and that's 100% the problem. If I'm not intentional with my time for God, then it stops being a priority for me. I always want Jesus to be my first priority. 

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So March is all about more Jesus. In every moment of every day. Specifically,

1. Committing to my holy half hour. Like getting there right at 10:30 and not leaving until 11:00.

2. Making 3 additional visits to the Blessed Sacrament each week. 

3. Making it to daily Mass 4/5 days of the week. I mean, we have a chapel with daily Mass in our office. I have no reason not to go as often as my work schedule allows it!

4. Getting in the habit of practicing the presence of God.

These goals are habits that I have slacked off on recently. I don't want to slack, I don't want to let Jesus to become an after thought. So in March, I'm focusing on more of Jesus, just in time for lent.

Tell me, what are your goals for March?

Trusting Jesus in my Art

I was complaining to myself earlier today that 1. I hadn't posted anything for this 7postsin7days business yet, and 2. it was really, really hard to write this week.

Then I sat down to write, and I finished off two pieces that have been sitting in my Evernote for awhile, made some good progress on a few posts I've been wanting to write, and started a mini-series I've been wanting to do for awhile now.

But I didn't want to publish any of them. I wanted to save them for later, edit them up, add some images, make them more perfect. But most of all, I wanted to protect myself for future weeks with some back up posts. I wanted to schedule one a week, so I could feel confident in my blogging stability for the next few months. Get ahead, you know?

The question I must ask myself is if I truly believe I have been called to share this and gifted with writing, why don't I trust myself or Jesus with what I'm creating?

So though I chose to write this instead for today's post, those other posts will come out later this week. I'm choosing to trust myself with this skill I have developed and Jesus with the gift he has blessed me with.

And, I'm combating my perfectionism by keeping this short and image-less. :)

planning with vision

Why do you do what you do?

Sometimes, we can forget why we started a job, a hobby, a new goal. Especially when it gets hard. Especially when there's a task that we don't want to do. In those moments, we can be tempted to quit. So how do we fight this?

My team has been reading 7 Habits of Highly Effective People for a little while now (we took a short hiatus mid-November to mid-January due to SLS), and we really love it. It is changing the way we interact with each other and with other departments. 

Most recently, we started working on implementing the 6 step planning process. Each Friday morning, we set aside an hour to prioritize the upcoming week and create time and space to work on important goals and priorities. But before we even get there, we must begin with the end in mind. This means taking a huge step back and looking at why we are even in our jobs.

Our team works on three main events: SEEK, New Staff Training, and the Student Leadership Summit. I firmly believe that all three events are vital to FOCUS and the advancement of God's Kingdom. But I'm human, and there are some days when I'm stuck in spreadsheets and logistics and emails and tiny details that I forget why I left campus to work on these events.

A few weeks ago I was upset about something I was supposed to do at work. I just couldn't figure out why. My friend Katie and I talked it out, and suddenly I realized it had to do with my pride. I wasn't thrilled about a task I was assigned and wanted to do a more glamorous task. Which...is a problem because the whole of the event is important. Even the less exciting things that I don't want to do.

The next say, Jesus wanted to talk to me about it in prayer, so He made the first reading apply to my life:

The scene: God has sent the prophet Samuel to find the new king from Jesse's sons. Samuel sees Eliab and immediately think's he is the next king of Israel - he's strong, good looking, charming...all the things a king should be. He had that outward appearance and glamour that I desired with my job.

But God had other plans (typical). He says, "Not as man sees does God see, because he sees the appearance, but The Lord looks into the heart."

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The question I had to ask was where was my heart at with these events? Was I in this job for the status? Or was there more?

I sat down with each event and prayed through why it is important to me. 

my new desktop background at work

These are the reasons I love my job. These are the reasons I do what I do. And when the going get's rough, I will take a step back to remember my vision, so my planning and goals can stem from this pace of purpose.

This is why I do what I do. I'd love to hear...why do you do what you do?

how I learned nothing and everything on my dating fast

What's a dating fast, you ask? It's when a person chooses not to date or have any romantic relationships for a certain period of time. All first year FOCUS missionaries go on a dating fast of some form. 

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My dating fast was the bomb.com. It freed me to worry about nothing besides my students and my relationship with Jesus. I was free to deeply discern my vocation, and I was significantly closer to Jesus when my fast was over than when I started. 

But the real test comes when the dating fast ends. How was I going to live my life now that I was free to date?

I was terrified to go to summer training, hot off the dating fast. I felt like I was going to have to confront my vocation right in the face since pretty much every religious order I was attracted to would be at training, and there were all these holy FOCUS men who were also hot off the fast.

I got to Florida, and SURPRISE! Nothing changed. I continued to pray and unite myself with Jesus each day. Yet I noticed a difference in myself. No longer was every guy I met a potential boyfriend. For the first time, I truly felt like I was able to honor my brothers in Christ as what they were: sons of God striving for holiness. Which helped me to truly be myself at all times. It was pretty cool.

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Fast forward to September when I met someone who I liked and who liked me back. The minute he asked me to open my heart and let my guard down without any commitment or actual dating relationship, I did it. What the heck, Michelle!? I began to allow my heart to run free and my imagination to see a future with this boy. I mean, he told me he liked me, we were just waiting a few weeks to start dating, so no big deal, right? I was excited, my emotions were going crazy, and my heart was full of this boy.

But here's the thing, without Jesus, there is only so much room in your heart. Since all I thought about was this boy, I was rapidly shoving Jesus out of my heart and mind without even realizing it. So imagine my hurt and confusion when we didn't end up dating.

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Sure, there's a lot of things he could have done differently, but I was mainly mad at myself. I literally did everything I learned not to do while on my dating fast. Ugh. 

Unfortunately, getting Jesus back to the center of your heart is a lot harder than kicking Him out. I now had to detach myself from the plans I had made. And since my heart was so closely tied to those plans, it was painful. It was even harder since I was so angry with myself for failing.

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Yet our God is patient and forgiving and loving. He does not love me less because I chose not to listen to Him. He writes straight with crocked lines. He healed my heart and showed me great love despite my failure to love His son correctly.

So now that I've been on a dating fast, grown immensely from it, and epicly failed at living it out, here's what I've learned:

1. God desires to be at the center of my heart, but He won't force His way in. 

2. It is easy to replace God with other things, and extremely hard to put Him back in your heart once you've kicked him out. But the beautiful thing is, even though we've ignored the Lord, He has never left us. All you have to do to put Him back in the center of your life is ask. And then pick yourself up and start living your life with Him.

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3. My worth does not change whether or not I'm date-able to someone. It lies in the fact that I am a beloved daughter of God. And the same goes for men. Their worth does not change based on how date-able they are to me. 

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4. There is an appropriate level of intimacy that can exist between a man and a woman, and it should not be crossed without the proper levels of commitment.

5. What not following the will of God feels like.

6. Don't over spiritualize. Discernment is about action. Don't get me wrong, prayer does need to be in the center of discernment, but we need to act and step outside of ourselves and move. Sometimes, we need to make an educated, prayerful decision and trust that God will bless it or He will intervene. 

7. Jesus wants to love me right where I'm at - even if I mess up. 

If I had to do it over, I would change a lot of things. I would guard my heart better and combat my attachments with greater devotion to Jesus and the Blessed Mother. But now I better understand the right way to love because of the pain I went through. I know that next time I will be better equipped to love rightly with Jesus, and that His love will continue to conquer and transform my heart. Thank you, Jesus for being patient with me, for teaching me how to love, and granting me the gift of self awareness through this time!

stop waiting to be perfect

I have this ideal version of myself that I can see in the distance.  The Michelle who eats right, prays with fervor and consistency, and loves well each day. The one who rocks her MPD, who never gossips or responds in anger or falls into old sin. 

But then I do fall into old habits of sin or I gossip or I get passive in my faith and I stop praying. 

I went to confession two weeks ago really frustrated with myself. I've been struggling with prayer. In between my struggle I'll get these bursts of energy and zeal where I'll want to run back to Jesus. And so I'll run to confession and be really on my game for a few days. And then it's back to mediocrity in my life and in my relationship with Jesus. I was so frustrated, so my prayer began with me yelling at Jesus about how much I suck:

Me: Jesus, what the heck. I feel like all my relationship with you is me messing up and then reconciling. Why can I not do anything right!?

Jesus: ...

M: I sin, I reconcile, I'm excited for a day, then I mess up and can't talk to you again until I go to confession. I'm sick of this cycle!

J: Will you let me delight in you, "my chosen one in whom I am well pleased?" (Isaiah )

M: ...

I've always struggled with success and perfectionism. I have this need to be seen an put together and perfect. And it's pretty self destructive, because I don't let Jesus love me unless I think I'm good enough. 

But Jesus loves me as I am. He wants to love me right where I'm at. I don't need to wait until I have formally gone to confession, I can reconcile myself immediately to Him and start new right away. Then when I receive the grace of absolution I can skyrocket forward even further. 

St. Jane is my fave. I love this quote of hers because it reminds me that at every moment, I have the capability to be reconciled to Jesus. I need to stop waiting to be perfect, because I will never get there without The Lord.

So this week, I'm working on that.

Also, I wrote about this 3 years ago. 

More Jesus, Less Stuff: Intentional Living

Now that life has calmed down a bit, I have had the chance to start looking at this mantra and what it should be about. The more I think about it, the more I realize it's all about being intentional. Jesus isn't going to force his way into my heart and he's not going to push out the other stuff I have in there. No, He will wait patiently for me to make room. So I must be intentional in seeking Him. 

Phase one is about realizing this is all about intentional living, recognizing the parts of my life that Jesus is absent from, and making room for him in those places. Intentional living that stems from self-knowledge.

In Interior Castle, St. Teresa of Avila outlines one path to holiness and union with God. In this path she tells us that the first step to knowing God is self-knowledge. It is one of the foundations for holiness. If we do not know ourselves, we cannot know God.

So this week I'm trying to take a step back to look at my life and see where I can create more space for Jesus. I think I've started to identify a few areas. Where in your life can you create more space for Jesus? I'd love to hear in the comments!

7 Quick Takes on Anything Other than SLS14 [11]

--- 1 ---

SLS IS OVER. WHAT. HOW.

Okay, I know, I know, this post promised no SLS quick takes. That's because there will be some pretty sweet SLS posts next week. But I think one QT on SLS is fine, right!?

 I got home from Dallas Wednesday evening and took yesterday off. It's back to work today to start wrapping up. SLS went so incredibly well. I loved every second of it and I had SO MUCH FUN. Check back next week for some highlights and posts on SLS. I can't believe it's over! But I do not miss having a walkie talkie stuck in my ear.

--- 2 ---

My life these next two months is seriously CRAZY. I think I have one open weekend...I'm going to have to be intentional about seeing Colorado people and doing things here. But I am so excited to see missionaries at the Greek Getaway's, Emily when she comes to visit, KC friends at home, Nebraskans, and maybe even Jess if I get to go to Cali. Hopefully when March hits I can start to get back into a normal daily life routine.

--- 3 ---

The coolest thing ever happened to me Monday night, someone recognized me from this blog! My first thought was, "people actually read this!?" It was fun to chat. So shout out to Katie from Northwestern and thanks for reading! And thanks for saying hi!

--- 4 ---

I can't think of anything else that doesn't have to do with SLS...so enjoy this picture of the Blessed Mother.

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--- 5 ---

I am obsessed with Salvation History. So much that I am doing the Bible Timeline with my freshman girls AND basing my cirrocumuli for my kindergartners on it. Maybe I'm over ambitious with the 5 year olds...but they do a pretty good job of remembering it. So I've decided to educate myself as well and actually read Curtis Martin and Dr. Sri's The Real Story. 

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I think it will be a good start to my 2014 mantra: More Jesus, Less Stuff. Starting with the "more Jesus" part seems like a good choice to me.

--- 6 ---

Speaking of my freshmen girls, on Dec. 30 we volunteered at a homeless shelter together. I was so impressed with them and how they stepped up to help out without being asked. The best part was they had so much fun and they want to do it again every month. I hope we can do that and I hope I can find as much joy in serving as these girls do.

--- 7 ---

I bought Flannery O'Conner's prayer journal yesterday and I am so excited to read it! My friend Elizabeth and I decided to host a brunch for time with friends and to read the journal aloud together. I can't wait.

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

a toast to the new year

I've always been bad at resolutions. And goals. Which is silly, because I love goals. I've probably talked about this before. I get so idealistic, but I just lack follow through. Lame, I know. But I think it's because I typically lack a vision or a foundation for why I want to do all these things.

When I started brainstorming all the resolutions I could have for 2014, I came up with a million different ideas: read the whole Bible, live simply, work out more, cook and eat healthy, write more, less media, etc. my list went on and on. 

I took all these different ideals to prayer and a theme arose:

More Jesus, less stuff. 

The heart of all of these goals, all the things I desire, all the things I want to do, and the person I want to be is this:

More Jesus, less stuff. 

So that's my mantra for 2014. More Jesus, less stuff. I want to quit neglecting my relationship with Jesus. I want it to be the richest and most important part of each day. I want freedom to respond to the desires he places on my heart by creating space for Him. I want to simply, and fill my soul with Him and His people. 

More Jesus, less stuff. 

I love You, Jesus. Keep me close to you. 

surrender

I just love this. It's so simple, yet when I stumbled across this little quote, it challenged me. Do I truly trust that Jesus has my best in mind? That in the midst of struggle and suffering, He is actually working for my good and ultimate happiness?

This quote is a little reminder for me to let go of my tendencies to control. Man, I like to grab onto everything. I tend not to trust, I tend to take the reigns, and I tend to forget all the good He has given me before.

So this week, I'm asking Jesus to come into my life and be the source of my happiness. I'm working on trust and surrender, and I'm asking my new friend St. Paul Miki to intercede. 

Come Lord Jesus. Help me be joyful and happy.