Your Grace Is Enough. Or, How Facebook Made Me Cry for 3 Hours Last Saturday

This season has been a rough one. God asked me to change and give up some big things. Instead of embracing it, I fought and fought against the waves and ended up with some pretty rough wounds. And then, instead of letting them heal, I picked the scab off over and over again, until I thought those wounds might never heal. 

Recently, I've been struggling with the "what ifs" of my life. In particular, what if I had served as Lake Village Directer at camp in the summer of 2012 instead of being a FOCUS Missionary? What would my life be like? Who would I be?

Great is your faithfulness, oh God.

I think the hardest part about this particular "what if" is that there is no question in my mind that FOCUS is what I was supposed to do at the time. FOCUS is where God called me to be during that time (and still is calling me there now). But I think I will always wish I could have done both. And for some reason, this particular "what if" has even swirling around in my heart all summer long.

You wrestle with the sinner's restless heart.

So after an afternoon of feeling particularly disconnected from community, I opened up Facebook to avoid cleaning my room. My newsfeed was filled with smiling faces of beautiful people loving on campers and camp friends. And then, the tears came. Fat, warm, and constant - the kind that makes it hard to breathe a little. When I couldn't stop, I picked up the ukulele to distract myself, and I found myself praying as I played.

Jesus, why? Why this delayed pain, this strange sense of mourning, this weird resurfacing of an attachment?

As I calmed down, I found that what needed mourning wasn't the loss of that job or my time at camp - it was a version of myself.

You see, everyone's twenties are a whirlwind of change. The past three years have been particularly full of weird and hard changes. I went from being a Panhellenic President/camp counselor/college student to a Catholic Missionary at a large university to a 9-5 desk job Event Planner. And in the wake of these past years and changes, I haven't allowed the to dust settle. 

You lead us by still waters and to mercy.

The realization of that I am someone so, so different, yet very much the same hit me hard. And at first I wasn't happy about it. During those beautiful years of summer camp and college I knew who I was. I was confident, good at what I did, and surrounded by people that I love. 

Now that I've launched into the real world, I've discovered it's a bit lonely and that it changes you. Parts of me that I love have died. Some I let go willingly, others disappeared without me noticing, and others I clawed at and cried as I watched them leave.

And nothing will keep us apart.

As we move on to new and different things in our lives, sometimes we have to leave behind our old selves to make room for the new. This can be painful, especially when that old self is associated with happy memories and dreams and seasons of our lives. For me, it's painful because I know I'm not quite settled into this new season and this new version of myself.

So remember your people, remember your children, remember your promise, oh God.

It's funny because I've prayed for self-awareness, and now that it has come it is painful and I don't really want it. But in this time of transition, I take hope in knowing that my plans are little and small and nothing compared to what God wants. He leads me by still waters, He restores my soul. Psalm 23. And I know that to fully blossom into who He created me to be, I must continue to let this part of me go.

Your grace is enough, 

Though my season of Camp Tecumseh has gone and passed, I am grateful for it. I would take this time of mourning and growing into a new self all over again because I could not become this new person without that time at camp.

your grace is enough, 

So though it is painful right now, thank you Jesus for loving me enough to change me. Break me of anything that breaks your heart. Mold me into the woman you see and know, just stay by my side as we work through this. You are worth this struggle.

your grace is enough for me.

And in the end, I hope that like St. Paul I will be able to say, "It is no longer I, but Christ who lives in me." Galatians 2:20.

MARCH In Review: How I failed a lot

This month, I wanted to focus on my relationship with Jesus. So I set all of my goals around this feat. 

1. Committing to my holy half hour. Like getting there right at 10:30 and not leaving until 11:00.

• I actually did this! But prayer was still hard. However, I'm trying to remember that half of the battle is showing up. So it's a start.

2. Making 3 additional visits to the Blessed Sacrament each week. 

• Fail.

3. Making it to daily Mass 4/5 days of the week. I mean, we have a chapel with daily Mass in our office. I have no reason not to go as often as my work schedule allows it!

• Fail. I went to Mass, but not 4/5 times per week. I'm still working on getting out of the habit of working through Mass. 

4. Getting in the habit of practicing the presence of God.

• Semi-success. I love this practice, but it hard to do. I'm definitely working on making it a habit and I practice Jesus' presence whenever I remember. So...I'm working on it.

I didn't really want to write this post because I did not do well with my goals or doing my part in growing my relationship with Jesus. I honestly slacked off this month. Which is dumb for a lot of reasons. But I want to be honest and practice vulnerability because I think that is something we all could be a little better at. 

Sometimes, I read other people's blogs and get discouraged because they are so holy/funny/creative/perfect. And I realize that these people aren't really perfect and aren't even really trying to portray themselves as perfect, but it's a way the devil can attack me. So I want to be honest with you and let you know that in no way, shape, or form am I perfect or really, really holy. This month, I sucked at praying and being Catholic. And while maybe it's not okay or ideal, I am in a place where I am aware of my shortcomings and can turn to Christ for his mercy and help to move forward. I think that is a good place to start moving forward.

So by the grace of God, I plan to pick myself up and recommit to my prayer life. Jesus, give me the grace to respond to your love in my life.

Deuteronomy 31:8

"It is The Lord your God who goes before you; He will be with you, He will not fail you or forsake you; do not fear or be dismayed."

I'm so blessed to have holy friends in my life like Shelby. 

I was lucky enough to mentor Shelby last year when I was a missionary at UNL. She is now a missionary out here in Colorado and is changing lives each and every day. When my team was on site in Dallas, I received a text from her telling me she thought I would like this scripture. And did I ever. What Shelby didn't know was the following few days Jesus would be asking me to really trust this.

The people of Israel have been delivered from Egypt, but they have been prevented from entering the promised land due to their lack of trust. Here, Moses is sending Joshua to lead all the people into the land God had promised them. Exciting, right? Wrong. The last time the people went in to scope out the land, they were terrified of the giants that lived there. So much so that they refused to trust God. Which didn't really work out for them because God then prevented them from going in due to their lack of trust. 

It is scary because no one who originally left Egypt could go in. These people had been led by Moses for the last 40+ years. Moses was the primary communicator with God, and he would not be going with them. So as he is sending him out, Moses speaks these words of encouragement to Joshua, reminding him that God is with him.

I've been trying to work on my awareness of God in all parts of my life. Last week, I told a friend that I feel like I'm on the cusp of something. God has been building me up and building me up, and I just feel like something big is about to happen - like Joshua must have been feeling as he is finally about the enter into the promised land. Excited, yet incredibly terrified. 

Why the fear? For the Israelites it was a fear of the giants - a very real fear of death. For me, it is a fear of the unknown. Like the Israelites, it is a fear of vulnerability. 

The theme of my prayer lately has been protection. The Lord is my Shepard. He protects me with His victorious right hand. Yes, I know this intellectually, but when I was on the discernment retreat, Jesus showed me that I wasn't really believing it. "I will not fail or forsake you." Do we really believe, deep in our hearts, that The Lord has our best in store? Do we trust Him enough to acknowledge the deep desires He has put on our hearts? Last weekend I realized I was masking my desires and not really believing that Jesus would fulfill my longing. So I refused to acknowledge what I really wanted. 

So I mustered up some boldness and courage and starting asking Jesus for something very specific. And on Thursday, Jesus told me no. First I was sad. Then I was angry. And now...peace.

Yesterday in Kindergarten Religious Ed we talked about promises and what they mean. I wanted my kids to walk away know that our God is a god who keeps His promises. As I was preparing this lesson, all I could think was, "ugggggghhhhh this is more for me than for the kiddos." Jesus has promised to protect me and has promised He will make me prosper. Even though I didn't get what I thought I wanted, these promises remain. He will fulfill the desires of my heart, just not in the way that I expect. And this gives me peace.

Jesus, you go before me in all things. In my work at the FOCUS office, in my mission fields, and in my relationships. You have prepared the way, and you will be with me. The thought of you preparing my future fills me with gratitude and joy! I do not deserve this. 

I want to keep working on being aware that Jesus has prepared the way for me and He is with me. I am praying for continued peace, and the grace to walk through these recent events in light of God's promise to me. 

7 Quick Takes: Exhaustion [3]

--- 1 ---

This has been a weird week. I haven't caught up on my sleep from my trips to Dallas and Connecticut so I have ben super exhausted. Example: on Tuesday I drove Carol to work and when we arrived at the office we noticed that there was Nutella everywhere.  What!? Why!? SO weird. I mean, I had it on my toast that morning, but not that much! That is pretty much how my week went. This week was just about playing catch up from my travels - I think I'm finally there.

--- 2 ---

Wednesday night I finally got to see my good friend Dana. She is married, has the cutest baby ever, and lives about an hour and a half from me. Dana was my FOCUS discipler my senior year of college and oh boy do I love her. We skyped for two hours (it barley felt like one!!!) with our good friend Megan from Drake. This night was just what I needed to take my mind off of how busy and tired I was. I am grateful for Dana and her witness to life with Christ. I hope and she I stay friends for a long time.

--- 3 ---

I am overwhelmed by the positive response from Carol and my post yesterday. We had so much fun writing our responses and are hoping to write together again. Thank you to everyone who took the time to read or skim through our longwinded thoughts. Our intention was to bring Jesus into the picture and to shed some Truth in there as well. I think we did a pretty okay job of that.

--- 4 ---

This buzzfeed post about tourist defying the government in the midst of the shutdown is hilarious. 

--- 5 ---

The past five weeks I have been gathering with some great FOCUS friends for dinner, fellowship, and Fr. Robert Barron's, Catholicism. We've finished for now, but I am going to start a campaign for us to keep getting together. I love how intentional friendship can build people up and bring people closer to Jesus. The women in this group have really become my friends and I hope we can keep going.

--- 6 ---

This morning I am grateful for my friendships here in Colorado, and my two friends who answered their phones so late last night, listened to my heart, and showed me Christ's love in the midst of a struggle.

--- 7 ---

Speaking of said struggle, when I started blogging again, I said that I wanted to be more vulnerable about where I'm at. Now that my heart and silly little plans have been flipped on their head, it's harder to put into practice. Granted, this all happened at 10pm last night, so I haven't had much time to process where I am at. My goal is to be open about this

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!