Your Grace Is Enough. Or, How Facebook Made Me Cry for 3 Hours Last Saturday

This season has been a rough one. God asked me to change and give up some big things. Instead of embracing it, I fought and fought against the waves and ended up with some pretty rough wounds. And then, instead of letting them heal, I picked the scab off over and over again, until I thought those wounds might never heal. 

Recently, I've been struggling with the "what ifs" of my life. In particular, what if I had served as Lake Village Directer at camp in the summer of 2012 instead of being a FOCUS Missionary? What would my life be like? Who would I be?

Great is your faithfulness, oh God.

I think the hardest part about this particular "what if" is that there is no question in my mind that FOCUS is what I was supposed to do at the time. FOCUS is where God called me to be during that time (and still is calling me there now). But I think I will always wish I could have done both. And for some reason, this particular "what if" has even swirling around in my heart all summer long.

You wrestle with the sinner's restless heart.

So after an afternoon of feeling particularly disconnected from community, I opened up Facebook to avoid cleaning my room. My newsfeed was filled with smiling faces of beautiful people loving on campers and camp friends. And then, the tears came. Fat, warm, and constant - the kind that makes it hard to breathe a little. When I couldn't stop, I picked up the ukulele to distract myself, and I found myself praying as I played.

Jesus, why? Why this delayed pain, this strange sense of mourning, this weird resurfacing of an attachment?

As I calmed down, I found that what needed mourning wasn't the loss of that job or my time at camp - it was a version of myself.

You see, everyone's twenties are a whirlwind of change. The past three years have been particularly full of weird and hard changes. I went from being a Panhellenic President/camp counselor/college student to a Catholic Missionary at a large university to a 9-5 desk job Event Planner. And in the wake of these past years and changes, I haven't allowed the to dust settle. 

You lead us by still waters and to mercy.

The realization of that I am someone so, so different, yet very much the same hit me hard. And at first I wasn't happy about it. During those beautiful years of summer camp and college I knew who I was. I was confident, good at what I did, and surrounded by people that I love. 

Now that I've launched into the real world, I've discovered it's a bit lonely and that it changes you. Parts of me that I love have died. Some I let go willingly, others disappeared without me noticing, and others I clawed at and cried as I watched them leave.

And nothing will keep us apart.

As we move on to new and different things in our lives, sometimes we have to leave behind our old selves to make room for the new. This can be painful, especially when that old self is associated with happy memories and dreams and seasons of our lives. For me, it's painful because I know I'm not quite settled into this new season and this new version of myself.

So remember your people, remember your children, remember your promise, oh God.

It's funny because I've prayed for self-awareness, and now that it has come it is painful and I don't really want it. But in this time of transition, I take hope in knowing that my plans are little and small and nothing compared to what God wants. He leads me by still waters, He restores my soul. Psalm 23. And I know that to fully blossom into who He created me to be, I must continue to let this part of me go.

Your grace is enough, 

Though my season of Camp Tecumseh has gone and passed, I am grateful for it. I would take this time of mourning and growing into a new self all over again because I could not become this new person without that time at camp.

your grace is enough, 

So though it is painful right now, thank you Jesus for loving me enough to change me. Break me of anything that breaks your heart. Mold me into the woman you see and know, just stay by my side as we work through this. You are worth this struggle.

your grace is enough for me.

And in the end, I hope that like St. Paul I will be able to say, "It is no longer I, but Christ who lives in me." Galatians 2:20.

7 Quick Takes on Looking Like a Child, Planners, and Worship

--- 1 ---

During youth group on Sunday, one of my discipleship girls said to me, " you look so grown up today!" I laughed and asked what that meant. She responded by saying, "well, normally you look like a teenager..."

This is my life.

--- 2 ---

A lot of people have said to me, "so now that SLS is over, you must have nothing to do at work!" Which, is the opposite of true. These first few weeks are all about taking notes and wrapping up so we can improve our future conferences. And then it's on to SEEK2015 and FOCUS NST! We'll get some down time in February, but there is always lots of events stuff to do. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

--- 3 ---

I am headed into the mountains this weekend to help execute the FOCUS Greek Getaway. I'm pretty excited to get the experience running a conference. It is a small, low key event that will introduce students to Jesus and His Church. Please pray for the students attending that they will open their hearts to Jesus this weekend!

--- 4 ---

I'm moving next month! Moving is the worst. I really hate it. However, I am grateful that I found a new place to live so quickly after deciding not to renew my lease and I am really excited about the community I will be joining. On the plus side, I'm hoping this move will motivate me to downsize and help me live more simply. You know, less stuff.

--- 5 ---

Carol and I have been geeking out about planners and paper products. We both just got this planner and I am already in love with it.

Also, have you ever been to minted.com?! If not, stop what you're doing immediately and go 'ooooooo and aaaaaaaah' over their beautiful, beautiful products. I am all out of "Thank You" cards and stationary, so I am going to invest for my fundraising! Also, I'm totally buying change of address cards to send out because they are ADORABLE. And, because I'm moving.

--- 6 ---

Because of said planner, Carol and I have scheduled a coffee date for next weekend for goal setting, writing, reading, and just all day coffee shop bumming. But, mainly so we can use the "coffee date" sticker. I am excited because now that I've decided to stay on with FOCUS, I need to take some time away for goal setting and planning. I can't wait.

--- 7 ---

I am on a Matt Maher kick right now (thanks to SLS), and I can't get enough of his new, grammy nominated album. In particular, this song:

It's really speaking to my heart about my relationship with Jesus and my dependance upon him. What are some of your favorite worship songs?

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

My Favorite Moments from SLS14

Gosh, what a whirlwind. From Tuesday, December 31 to Wednesday, January 8 I was living the dream as an event planner. SLS14 was incredible and I can hardly believe it's over. Since arriving home on Wednesday I have rested up and I think I finally know what day it is. 

So many incredible things happened at SLS. It's hard to pick just 10. But here's a quick list of moments I wrote down on the plane.

My 10 Favorite SLS Moments

1. The crux of SLS was what we called "Power Sessions." Students were randomly sorted into small groups and were supposed to teach each other the basic tools for evanglization that they learned earlier that day. It could have fallen a part so easily. So watching the Power Session begin to  actually work on Friday night was awesome. Everyone filed in, got into their groups, and figured out who was going to do what for the rest of the week.

2. Okay, great. They got into their groups...but would they actually teach each other? After all of my things were settled Saturday afternoon, I headed down to Marsalis Hall to see how the Power Sessions were going. I was not prepared for what I was about to walk in on. There in that exhibit hall were 1500 students teaching each other how to share and teach the gospel message with others. I was so overwhelmed. I could feel the grace pumping through the room. I teared up and thanked Jesus for these students who were open to learning how to share His love with others.

Image via John Paul Rudolph.

3. Did you know that Pat Lencioni and Matt Maher are good friends? Well, now you do. During the closing session, Pat was talking about Matt, and Curtis interrupted by saying, "Pope Benedict told me never to name drop." Quite the hilarious moment.

Image via EideCom.

4. Christine, Carol, and I went to see the beginning of Dr. Sri's keynote on Saturday. I was unable to sit in on the opening keynote on Friday night, so this was my first time in the main ballroom with all of our attendees. Steve Pries, our emcee, introduced Dr. Sri and the crowd went crazy! The students were standing and cheering - before he gave his talk! It was cool to be in there for that moment knowing I had helped make that happen in my own small way. Carol, who does our speakers and entertainers, loved that moment a lot.

Image via John Paul Rudolph.

5. John Paul let me listen in on the production com and watch production on Monday night during the keynote. It was crazy and fun to hear them count down the keynote and call different camera shots. 

6. While on com, I got to help our emcee, Steve Pries, and Matt Maher sneak into the audience to do an in-house interview before the keynote. It was so fun and the crowd went crazy. 

7. After Curtis keynote Monday night (a lot of these top moments happened Monday...), we launched SEEK 2015. The student's reactions were so great - one jumped up and yelled, "I'M REGISTERING RIGHT NOW!" Christina verified it over the walkie.

8. We ended SLS with series of short talks on what it means to be a Catholic Leader in the world. Pat Lencioni talked about what it actually means to be successful. He told the room full of students that if he had the choice, he would rather his kids grow up to be FOCUS leaders than anything else. It was pretty powerful.

Image via EideCom.

9. The high of SLS: Adoration/Confession night. I loved adoring Jesus from the balcony Sunday night and realizing just what was happening all around us. The incense, the spot lights, the worship band, the procession - it was all beautiful. I was overwhelmed each time the spots would hit Jesus and I would see students weeping. Walking through the ballrooms there were students being prayed over, a packed confession line was overwhelming. In this moment I felt so grateful to be called to this mission with FOCUS. I am so humbled that Jesus has asked me to bring others to Him through these events.

Image via John Paul Rudolph.  

Image via John Paul Rudolph.

10. As SLS drew to a close, all FOCUS leadership starting say that this event is a game changer for FOCUS. My favorite quote came from Jim, my team director from last year. Jim said,

"We will be talking about what FOCUS was like pre-SLS14 and post-SLS14. FOCUS will never be the same after this weekend."

Thank you to everyone who helped make this event possible!

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