I have this ideal version of myself that I can see in the distance. The Michelle who eats right, prays with fervor and consistency, and loves well each day. The one who rocks her MPD, who never gossips or responds in anger or falls into old sin.
But then I do fall into old habits of sin or I gossip or I get passive in my faith and I stop praying.
I went to confession two weeks ago really frustrated with myself. I've been struggling with prayer. In between my struggle I'll get these bursts of energy and zeal where I'll want to run back to Jesus. And so I'll run to confession and be really on my game for a few days. And then it's back to mediocrity in my life and in my relationship with Jesus. I was so frustrated, so my prayer began with me yelling at Jesus about how much I suck:
Me: Jesus, what the heck. I feel like all my relationship with you is me messing up and then reconciling. Why can I not do anything right!?
M: I sin, I reconcile, I'm excited for a day, then I mess up and can't talk to you again until I go to confession. I'm sick of this cycle!
J: Will you let me delight in you, "my chosen one in whom I am well pleased?" (Isaiah )
I've always struggled with success and perfectionism. I have this need to be seen an put together and perfect. And it's pretty self destructive, because I don't let Jesus love me unless I think I'm good enough.
But Jesus loves me as I am. He wants to love me right where I'm at. I don't need to wait until I have formally gone to confession, I can reconcile myself immediately to Him and start new right away. Then when I receive the grace of absolution I can skyrocket forward even further.
St. Jane is my fave. I love this quote of hers because it reminds me that at every moment, I have the capability to be reconciled to Jesus. I need to stop waiting to be perfect, because I will never get there without The Lord.
So this week, I'm working on that.