Hunger Pangs

I didn’t prepare my kitchen for Ash Wednesday. The only things I had in my possession this morning was bacon, chicken, a box of uncooked pasta, and an enormous box of chocolate covered almonds – things that don’t work well for a day when I am abstaining from meat and a lent where I'm basically giving up all of that. Thankfully, living in the city is awesome, so I popped into a grocery store on my way to the Red Line to pick up two meals for the day. I grabbed a smoothie for breakfast and some soup for lunch.

Four o’clock hit and I realized I was hungry.

Out of nowhere, the Holy Spirit reminded me that these little hunger pangs are nothing compared to the hunger my soul feels for the love of Christ. And that desire is so small compared to the hunger Christ feels for me to know and follow Him.  

So throughout lent as you feel the pangs for the ice cream you gave up, for the ability to Facebook stalk, or for a juicy steak on Friday, I pray those little aches remind you of how deeply Christ wants you to know His love for you.

 

Happy Ash Wednesday.

The Practice of the Presence of God: A book review

image via.

So, I downloaded this book way back in August, but I only got about half way through. Now after rereading it I know why. This book is incredible and every sentence requires a holy hour of meditation after you finish reading it. It's intense, yet simple. Profound, yet full of incredible common sense.

Br. Lawrence was a religious brother who lived in the 1600's. He had an incredible closeness to Jesus and was able to actively live that out every day. 

What I admire most about Br. Lawrence and this book is his profound self-awareness and dedication to his resolutions. He says over and over that he decided he would give himself wholly to God, so that's what he did. And when he lost sense of Gods presence or sinned, he simply turned his heart back to Jesus and started over. 

How beautiful this way of life is. It exemplifies everything I hope to be. I admire his will and love how simple he views the spiritual life. He understands that he is a sinner and without God he can do nothing. How often so we get mad at ourselves for failing or turning from God? I get angry about this on a weekly (daily) basis. And then I feel like I can't talk to God because I haven't behaved perfectly. But, I don't think that's what Jesus wants. I think this practice of the presence of God pleases him greatly and makes him smile. He just wants to be with us, and this practice does that in a beautiful and humble way. 

So I'm trying to take a page from Br. Lawrence and trying to consciously find Jesus with me at all times. And when I forget or mess up, I will simply ask Jesus to help me to continue on.

PS - It's free on Amazon.

Some favorite quotes:

Make immediately a holy and firm resolution never more willfully to forget Him, and to spend the rest of your days in His sacred presence.

The least little remembrance will always be acceptable to Him. You need not cry very loud; He is nearer to us than we are aware of.

That it was a great delusion to think that the times of prayer ought to differ from other times.

It was nearly impossible to stop at three quotes. I think I highlighted 99% of the book.

Little Happies [1]

One of the best parts of camp every day? Highs and lows. It gives us a chance to reflect on the blessings God has given us throughout our days. I don't usually have this habit outside of that camp world. So when I saw this link up, I wanted to join in. I'm excited to be along for the ride this week! Check out Blessed To Be for more happies.

--one--

Is it weird to talk about your own birthday on your blog? Well, I'm going to do it! It's my birthday, and that is fun. Carol and I took a little time to chat and catch up this morning. Then my family sent me these:

--two--

I am grateful for my vacation with my mom and my sister. I will write more on this later, but right now, just look at that water! So beautiful, so grateful.

--three--

Last night was the first night I was able to get together with my discipleship girls in a while. They are just so fun and always brighten my day. They put up with my craziness and desire for adventure (we ordered a pizza, just because) and are getting more and more willing to share. 

--four--

Giving up TV for lent has created so much time for reading and it is so great. I read 4 books on vacation last week. Right now, I am half way through the second book of the Gemma Doyle Trilogy. I remember reading the first book in the 8th grade and loving it, so I decided that I wanted to read to whole trilogy. I love the imagery in these books - the characters often enter into other worlds called realms, so it is fun to get lost in the world of magic and the magic that comes from the 1890's in London.

--five--

When I got home from Mexico, I had a package. Inside were two beautiful scarves for my project to help get scarves for Dana's bible study. This leaves me with 4 in hand, and two on their way! I'm going to deliver the scarves this weekend. I love that others have jumped on board for this little last minute project. Maybe next year it can be something bigger. 

welcome to lent 2014.

Lent has 3 parts: prayer, fasting, and almsgiving. Here's how I'm implementing them into my life for the next 40 days.

Fasting. 

I put this one first because the other two will flow from this fast.

HAHAHAHAHAHA.
image via.

So, I really love TV. There are approximately 12 shows that come out on a weekly basis that I watch, plus series on Netflix and Hulu Plus that I watch. Gosh, that's awful when I break it down like that.

My fast has to do with consuming media that is positive and consuming it in moderation. For the sake of lent, I am giving up all of my TV shows, and I will only watch movies if it's with other people.

Since lent is supposed to change us and bring us closer to Christ, I don't want to go back to this habit of excessive television when it's over. But more importantly, I want to cut out the shows that negatively impact my world view. So later on during this season of lent, I'll be examining whether or not it is a good choice to keep watching certain shows. By doing this, I will (hopefully) create a spirit of moderation as well as positivity.

Prayer. 

I AM GOING TO HAVE SO MUCH FREE TIME WITHOUT ALL OF THIS TV. Maybe I'll even go to bed at normal hours.

What I really want to do is cultivate a habit of feeding myself spiritually in my free time. So instead of watching tons of television, I'm going to try to read one spiritual book per week during lent. I figure I'll have the time.

This will allow me to keep Jesus present in my mind and learn from my brothers and sisters on how to grow closer to Jesus. Any suggestions?

Almsgiving. 

So, since giving up television means giving up Netflix and Hulu Plus, this means I'll have an extra $16 on hand for the next two months. Not much, sure, but (almost) enough to feed a child for an entire year.

image via.

Image via.

I learned about Mary's Meals over the summer, and I've been meaning to donate to them. (Emphasis on the meaning, because I haven't done it yet.) A missionary held a screening of Child 31, a documentary that shows the impact of Mary's Meals worldwide and I fell in love.

This organization provides meals for kids at school. And it's even cooler than that: they buy local, cook food that the kids are used to, and recruit volunteers from the local community to make and serve the kids. In doing this, they are truly changing the whole community. My favorite part of the documentary was when parents said they were continuing to send their daughters to school so she could have a free meal. 

So not only is Mary's Meals feeding the hungry, they are helping kids get a full education.

It costs $16.80 to feed a child for an entire year. If I add an additional $1.60 to that $32 I'll be saving these next two months, I can feed two kids. 

Check out their website for more information on the incredible work they are doing.


I hope you all have a blessed lent! I'd love to hear:
1. What are you giving up for lent?
2. Suggestions for good spiritual reading!

how to lent.

Guys, lent is 2 days away.

I really like lent. I like that it's penitential. Is that weird? After the buzz and excitement of the holidays, I tend to start being selfish. Everything in my life somehow seems to be about me, so lent is a smack in the face right when I need it. Lent reminds me what my life should be all about: Jesus.

I'm sorry if this post was misleading, because I can't tell you specifically how to do lent. But I can give you some resources that I'll be using for lent:

Well, first, here's a great explanation of lent from a fellow FOCUS missionary:

Love this: "It's about giving up something that's good so you can focus on something even better."

Good advice from a priest (stolen from a friend's fbook status. HEY, KELSEY):

You should choose something that will transform your relationship with Christ and have a lasting impact. If chocolate is something that ties you to this world, give it up, but don't go back to eating it in the same way you did before the fast being tied to having it every time you crave it. If you decide to go to daily Mass, don't let that stop once Lent is over. Choose something that will bring you closer to Christ and make you a different person than before.

Daily Updates:

Like FOCUS on facebook, follow the blog, follow them on twitter, or download the lentsanity app. Some sweet people at FOCUS (no, not me), created this app to provide you with resources to help you grow in your faith this lent. There's even a "meat police" feature on the app to remind you not to eat meat on Friday's. Hilarious.

Original ideas on what to give up:

Check out CatholicVote. They have some creative ideas on what to give up for lent.

When it comes down to it, what you give up for lent is totally up for you. But don't go in half way. If you go all in and allow Jesus to use lent to change you and bring you closer to Him, you're doing lent right.

Sacrifice What Feeds You.

This past week's challenge was to sacrifice what feeds you.


I might have taken the easy way out, but this week I chose to abstain from meat. It wasn't very hard at first, but by Thursday I was sick of pasta and just wanted some chicken. What it made me realize, in the simplest way, was how incredibly blessed and fortunate I am - especially in regards to my access to food. I was choosing to only eat a certain type of food (pasta, rice, etc) while there are millions of people in the world who have no say in what they eat or whether or not they even can eat. My very, very small sacrifice brought me a small taste of solidarity with the hungry and allowed me to recognize my privilege even further. It is a privilege that I can even take on these forms of sacrifice, that I can even consider living simply or chose to abstain from a certain type of food.


I think it is important that I continue to recognize this privilege and what exactly that means. A lot of what I learned this past week was echoed over the weekend. I need to delve deeper into those things as they come up, so hopefully I can be a bit more insightful tomorrow. 


However, I think that I am realizing more and more how much my background and the privilege my family provided me with is ingrained into every single thing that I do. I'm not sure if I would have realized this as profoundly as it is hitting me now if I had not created space in my life by giving up social media. What I love about doing these Relentless ACT:S of Sacrifice challenges is how they beautifully compliment my desire to live simply and my desire to give up social media. I pray that when lent is over I can continue to incorporate what I am learning into my daily life. But before I can do that, it means sitting with what I am discovering, really getting into the hard stuff, and understanding how each of these things play into my every day life.

I'm blogging from a bus.

This is for real. I'm currently on a MegaBus heading to Chicago for an interview weekend. Prayers that I may remain open to God's will & for clarity from the Holy Spirit would be very much appreciated.

This week has been filled with ups and downs, but mainly filled with a lot of anxiety about what is in store for the future. I found a lot of peace in Christ last weekend in Kansas City, but the devil is trying to attack that peace in so many different ways. I know I need to find and cling to peace, but it is getting harder and harder as I am unsure what God's plan is for me. There are so many different great options out there, but I want to pick what is truly going to be the best thing I can do for God. Last weekend one of the missionaries read a quote from Pope Benedict 16 that encouraged us to enthusiastically accept our missionary responsibility Christ has called us to and to accept it as the highest form of service we can do for Christ and His Church. I so greatly desire to accept my call from God without hesitation. It can just be hard to hear Him through the noise of this world. I'm very grateful in this moment that I don't have the ability to text or get on facebook so I can't be distracted by my peers plans for the future and what other people think I should do. There are still distractions and attempts to pull me away from Christ even without social media, so I'm trying hard to "pray without ceasing" and constantly return to that place where I truly desired nothing but Christ's will.

Last night at mass Father Joel gave a homily on what he calls "the scariest gospel." It is the story of the rich man who went to hell for his sins of omission. I know when judgement day comes along I will have to account for all of my sins, but what I am fearing most in this moment is having to explain to God why I didn't do things, why I didn't speak up when I should have, and why I failed to accept my missionary call. I pray that God grants me to courage to accept what He has in store for me so that from this moment on my life can be nothing but an ongoing "yes" to whatever it is that God wants. Even if that means an uncertain summer, lack of support and understanding from people I care about, and a change to my personal plans.

It's hard to admit these fears to myself, and even harder to post them for the world to see. But as Dana told me last weekend, simply naming the fears weakens their hold over. I refuse to let my fears be the reason for a decision about next year. So I am praying hard for God to give me courage to say yes to him, strength to stand by my decisions, and peace when making those decisions.

Sacrifice What Surrounds You.

This week, Relentless ACT:S of Sacrifice challenged us to sacrifice whats surrounds you. They challenged us to recreate the walls of our daily life, and to surround ourselves with things that inspire us to act on what we are passionate about.

I decided that this meant more than the walls of my room, so I changed my desktop background. The image on the screen of my computer is the one I see the most each day. Mary gave everything for God when she said, "Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. Let it be done unto me according to Your Word." Mary inspires me to follow Christ and to have courage to follow His plan for my life.

What else surrounds me each day? The answer was obvious: what I wear. I ended up going through my closet and pulling out a lot of my clothes to donate to charity. I still have more than enough outfits to wear, but what purpose does a perfectly good shirt have if I am never going to wear it? These clothes can be loved by someone else, by someone who truly needs them.

Finally, I redecorated my room to sacrifice the walls of my every day life. I rearranged my furniture for a fresh start, I took down some of the cluttering posters and pictures, and added things that inspire me.

This week in my Bible Study, we talked about St. Gianna Molla.

"One cannot love without suffering,
or suffer without loving."
- St. Gianna Molla

Beautified by JPII in 1994, St. Gianna lived until the age of thirty-nine, beautifully balancing her roles as a surgen, mother, and wife. She died in 1962 when she refused to have an abortion and insisted the doctors save her unborn child's life over her own. St. Gianna chose to sacrifice her life for the love of her children. Her image and quote have gone on my wall to remind me that to love is to die to yourself and to sacrifice for those around you.

Mary's quote that changed the world and my consecration prayer are on my wall to remind me to strive to live like her each day.

I love this quote about sacrifice. Blessed Mother Theresa said this. I put it on my door to remind me of her great life of sacrifice.

On Thursday, I wrote about a song that makes me think. Once challenged and come to a realization, I don't want to forget what I have learned about life and myself. God has been showing me the importance and necessity of sacrifice. Having these words and images surround me will hopefully remind me to constantly give thanks to God for all He has given me, and inspire me to act for the good of others.

What does sacrifice mean to you?

Before I gave up facebook, I saw that my camp friend, Ben, was going to be doing "Relentless ACT:S of Sacrifice" for Lent. I thought I'd check out the website. I looked around for a bit and it seemed to be echoing my desire to simplify, and so I signed up.

Last week's challenge was to begin preparation for this journey by figuring out what you are willing to sacrifice and to figure out what exactly sacrifice means to you.

What I think sacrifice means is being willing to give things up with the intention of growing closer to Christ. I was able to hear Sr. Mary Alma talk about the vow of poverty and what that means to her and her community of the School Sisters of Christ the King. She told us that though the vow is acted out differently in other communities, the heart of poverty, the heart of sacrifice, is telling Christ, "You are enough for me." It is about freeing your heart from attachments to worldly things so your heart can be free for Christ and His will. ("For where your heart is, there your treasure will be also." - Luke 12:34/Matthew 6:21) If we become attached to things, our heart will be there. And then our treasure will be there as well. I don't want that. I think sacrifice is about dying to myself so I can put the desires of Christ and the needs of others before my own.

For me, sacrifice and love are becoming inseparable constructs. I think when you truly love someone you want to will their good above you own. That leads you to sacrifice your own desires if they conflict with the good of that person you love. When you love, you desire what that person desires. And sometimes that can lead you to sacrifice as well.

When I started I was willing to sacrifice my security in communication. I am coming to realize that I am willing to sacrifice whatever Christ is calling me to. I am excited to continue these challenges and I pray they will compliment my lenten sacrifice and challenge to simplify to Christ.

Happy Catholic Awareness Day

Remember, you are dust, and to dust you shall return.

As I was walking to class this morning I ran into an AKPsi brother who I had no idea was Catholic. She said to me, "I'm glad to see you went to church this morning." I was glad she went too. I then became distressed that without twitter, I had no where to post the hilarious joke I made about today being Catholic Awareness Day. Thank goodness for blogger. It's only 4:00 and I've already noticed myself thinking in tweets with no where to put them. This is going to be an adventure.

I want to start out by disclaiming that I am not one of those people who thinks social media and other forms of instant communication has ruined everything. That is not why I'm doing this.

Two times in the Bible (Matthew 6:21 & Luke 12:34) Jesus says, "for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." It is phrased exactly the same in both gospels in the NIV translation. I'm no biblical expert, but I'm pretty sure this indicates the importance of the concept. I think treasure can manifest itself in many different ways. When I think of the things I invest most of my time and energy in, relationships and being connected to others is the winner by a landslide. Though this is not a bad thing, if at the end of my life I am more concerned with my friendships than with my relationship with Jesus, I will loose my life.

So for me, fasting from texting and social media is about four things:

1. Sacrifice - this is going to be hard. What am I supposed to do in my free time? You mean to tell me I should actually do my work instead of looking through facebook and pinterest? How am I going to stay in touch with my camp friends, with those people I don't have the luxury of seeing very often? I will miss out on communication between these friends and possibly even miss out on events around campus. And that's okay. It wouldn't be called sacrifice if it was easy. That being said, I also want to make it clear that in no way do I think my lenten sacrifice is more difficult or challenging or that it's better than yours. It is just what I think I need these next forty days to grow close to Christ.
2. Choosing to turn to God first - this sacrifice is about choosing God more frequently and first. When I'm tempted to get on facebook, or text someone I'm going to pray. I'm going to offer it up. 
3. Increased communication - not just increased traditional communication with my friends, but mainly increased communication with Christ. We know through history and the bible that God speaks to us in the silence of our hearts. I'm hoping by eliminating these "loud" forms of social media I will create silence and space in my heart to hear God speak.
4. Simplifying my life - I wrote earlier today that I feel so very called to simplify my life. I think this is just a first step. I will see where my increased prayer leads me.

I think that overall I want to simplify my life to make room for Christ. Right now, I think that means giving up social media and being connected to the world. So here's to hoping my eyes, ears, and heart will be opened through this process.

Lent 2012

Last year I gave up snacking, the year before I gave up facebook. This year I've been hearing a call to simplify my life. Though at first I didn't know what that meant, this morning I realized I should start where I spend most my time: facebook, twitter, pinterest, AND texting. Check back here to follow my journey as I share what I learn this lenten season.