Friday, March 9, 2012

I'm blogging from a bus.

This is for real. I'm currently on a MegaBus heading to Chicago for an interview weekend. Prayers that I may remain open to God's will & for clarity from the Holy Spirit would be very much appreciated.

This week has been filled with ups and downs, but mainly filled with a lot of anxiety about what is in store for the future. I found a lot of peace in Christ last weekend in Kansas City, but the devil is trying to attack that peace in so many different ways. I know I need to find and cling to peace, but it is getting harder and harder as I am unsure what God's plan is for me. There are so many different great options out there, but I want to pick what is truly going to be the best thing I can do for God. Last weekend one of the missionaries read a quote from Pope Benedict 16 that encouraged us to enthusiastically accept our missionary responsibility Christ has called us to and to accept it as the highest form of service we can do for Christ and His Church. I so greatly desire to accept my call from God without hesitation. It can just be hard to hear Him through the noise of this world. I'm very grateful in this moment that I don't have the ability to text or get on facebook so I can't be distracted by my peers plans for the future and what other people think I should do. There are still distractions and attempts to pull me away from Christ even without social media, so I'm trying hard to "pray without ceasing" and constantly return to that place where I truly desired nothing but Christ's will.

Last night at mass Father Joel gave a homily on what he calls "the scariest gospel." It is the story of the rich man who went to hell for his sins of omission. I know when judgement day comes along I will have to account for all of my sins, but what I am fearing most in this moment is having to explain to God why I didn't do things, why I didn't speak up when I should have, and why I failed to accept my missionary call. I pray that God grants me to courage to accept what He has in store for me so that from this moment on my life can be nothing but an ongoing "yes" to whatever it is that God wants. Even if that means an uncertain summer, lack of support and understanding from people I care about, and a change to my personal plans.

It's hard to admit these fears to myself, and even harder to post them for the world to see. But as Dana told me last weekend, simply naming the fears weakens their hold over. I refuse to let my fears be the reason for a decision about next year. So I am praying hard for God to give me courage to say yes to him, strength to stand by my decisions, and peace when making those decisions.

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