Written on the Bus Ride Home.

What I am learning to appreciate about Ignation Spirituality is when you boil it down, it is all about being in touch with your real self, in touch with your emotions, and in touch with the core of who you are. This weekend we pushed past some limits and recognized things that we are attached to and why they are there. The discernment weekend brought up a lot of questions and a lot of things that I never even realized are in the way of my decision making process, and thus in the way of my relationship with God. The weekend really brought to light some things I need to truly sit and wrestle with. Coming away from this weekend I have discovered an intense ambiguity surrounding my future. And I'm actually okay with it. Maybe I will be in Belize, Tanzina, or Micronesia next year. Maybe I will be in Denver, or on a college campus. Maybe I will be traveling around in a van meeting thousands of high school students. Or maybe I won't be doing any of those things. I am working towards that place of active indifference so I can freely give my "yes" to Christ.

On Saturday we read a poem to open our prayer. It is beautiful and there are so many different parts that I love, but I think what I love the most (at least right now) are the stanzas that say:

 "I want to know if you have touched 

the centre of your own sorrow

if you have been opened by life's betrayals

or have become shriveled and closed

from fear of further pain. 

I want to know if you can sit with pain

mine or your own

without moving to hide it

or fade it

or fix it." 

-"The Invitation," by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

When I experience somthing negative I jump to address it and fix it, or shove it underneath the rug. It is how I dealt with negative relationships, how I dealt with my Dad's cancer, and how I deal with a lot of the wrong I have done. But what Ignation Spirituality is teaching me is that we have reasons for these desolations and rather than ignore them, it is so important to name them, sit with them, and accept the fact that they could be a sign from God. I am learning how to "sit with pain" and I am learning how to understand what it means.

It is extremely overwhelming knowing that I have to make some major life decisions within the upcoming month. I am reading Discerning the Will of God: An Ignation Guide to Christian Decision Making by Fr. Timothy M. Gallagher and stumbled across this question: "What growth did God offer this person through the process of discernment?" (p. 131). It is a great question to pose as I am attending these interview weekends and handing my future over to Christ. I think God is trying to teach me something important in each weekend I attend. At the FOCUS interview weekend it was trust. This past weekend was about a real, intense way of living, and being in touch with Christ within me. I want to incorporate all of what I am learning in this process into who I am. This process is long and confusing, but I know at the end of it I will not only know what I am doing next year, but I will also have a deeper understanding of who I am and who Christ is.