Your Grace Is Enough. Or, How Facebook Made Me Cry for 3 Hours Last Saturday

This season has been a rough one. God asked me to change and give up some big things. Instead of embracing it, I fought and fought against the waves and ended up with some pretty rough wounds. And then, instead of letting them heal, I picked the scab off over and over again, until I thought those wounds might never heal. 

Recently, I've been struggling with the "what ifs" of my life. In particular, what if I had served as Lake Village Directer at camp in the summer of 2012 instead of being a FOCUS Missionary? What would my life be like? Who would I be?

Great is your faithfulness, oh God.

I think the hardest part about this particular "what if" is that there is no question in my mind that FOCUS is what I was supposed to do at the time. FOCUS is where God called me to be during that time (and still is calling me there now). But I think I will always wish I could have done both. And for some reason, this particular "what if" has even swirling around in my heart all summer long.

You wrestle with the sinner's restless heart.

So after an afternoon of feeling particularly disconnected from community, I opened up Facebook to avoid cleaning my room. My newsfeed was filled with smiling faces of beautiful people loving on campers and camp friends. And then, the tears came. Fat, warm, and constant - the kind that makes it hard to breathe a little. When I couldn't stop, I picked up the ukulele to distract myself, and I found myself praying as I played.

Jesus, why? Why this delayed pain, this strange sense of mourning, this weird resurfacing of an attachment?

As I calmed down, I found that what needed mourning wasn't the loss of that job or my time at camp - it was a version of myself.

You see, everyone's twenties are a whirlwind of change. The past three years have been particularly full of weird and hard changes. I went from being a Panhellenic President/camp counselor/college student to a Catholic Missionary at a large university to a 9-5 desk job Event Planner. And in the wake of these past years and changes, I haven't allowed the to dust settle. 

You lead us by still waters and to mercy.

The realization of that I am someone so, so different, yet very much the same hit me hard. And at first I wasn't happy about it. During those beautiful years of summer camp and college I knew who I was. I was confident, good at what I did, and surrounded by people that I love. 

Now that I've launched into the real world, I've discovered it's a bit lonely and that it changes you. Parts of me that I love have died. Some I let go willingly, others disappeared without me noticing, and others I clawed at and cried as I watched them leave.

And nothing will keep us apart.

As we move on to new and different things in our lives, sometimes we have to leave behind our old selves to make room for the new. This can be painful, especially when that old self is associated with happy memories and dreams and seasons of our lives. For me, it's painful because I know I'm not quite settled into this new season and this new version of myself.

So remember your people, remember your children, remember your promise, oh God.

It's funny because I've prayed for self-awareness, and now that it has come it is painful and I don't really want it. But in this time of transition, I take hope in knowing that my plans are little and small and nothing compared to what God wants. He leads me by still waters, He restores my soul. Psalm 23. And I know that to fully blossom into who He created me to be, I must continue to let this part of me go.

Your grace is enough, 

Though my season of Camp Tecumseh has gone and passed, I am grateful for it. I would take this time of mourning and growing into a new self all over again because I could not become this new person without that time at camp.

your grace is enough, 

So though it is painful right now, thank you Jesus for loving me enough to change me. Break me of anything that breaks your heart. Mold me into the woman you see and know, just stay by my side as we work through this. You are worth this struggle.

your grace is enough for me.

And in the end, I hope that like St. Paul I will be able to say, "It is no longer I, but Christ who lives in me." Galatians 2:20.

JULY: Being Intentional & Aware

I've been thinking a lot lately about goals and dreams and the path that I'm on. Who am I? Who do I want to be? Who does God want me to be? Do those two desire match?

Many times this year I have repeated the phrase, "the first step to holiness is self-awareness." And what is incredible about self-awareness is that it is a never ending cycle. We can always learn something new, something more about ourselves.

Lately, I haven't been so great about being self aware. Actually, on a large scale of my whole life I haven't been all that self aware. As I'm entering my 3rd of FOCUS, my 3rd year out of college, I'm curious about who I have become, and what my habits say about me. I want to be on an intentional path that seeks The Lord and his will for my life. 

So this month, I'm focusing on self awareness by just tracking myself. I just got a FitBit Flex and I'm super obsessed with it, but it's been fascinating to know now many steps I take on an average day. It also motivates me to track what I eat, how frequently I exercise, how much water I drink, and how well I sleep. It also has silent alarms, so I've bee able to set a reminder for prayer and Mass times so I don't accidentally miss it. In prayer, I've been intentional about meditating on themes that have come up, and taking note of them. I will be adding in a daily Examen to be intentional in noticing my struggles, moods, and successes. I've also been tracking my spending and saving, just to see where my habits are.

I'm not looking to make any changes (yet), and I know that these habits don't necessarily define who I am, but I think they will give me a good indicator of how healthy I am, and I how I feel during certain things. Hopefully, at the end of the month I will know where I am thriving and where I might need to make a change or two.

One of my favorite parts of the Examen Prayer is when you ask God for the light to see yourself as you truly are and as He sees you. So that's what I'm doing in this season, asking for the light to see myself as I truly am, in all aspects of my life.

Also, of you've noticed a lack of pictures, it's because my laptop broke (wah wah), so I'm working on replacing it/figuring out what I want to do for a computer. 

I'm Baaaaaaack!

Whew! Can you believe it's July 7!? Time is weird, my friends.

Anyways, I have been back in good old CO for a whole week now, and I am ready to have a normal summer for probably the first time ever. Well, as normal as my life gets...

That being said, I'm not quite back in the swing of blogging and writing. But I wanted to swing by, say hi, and start to get back in the habit of writing.

Oh, and leave you with these two terrifying facts I learned listening to NPR this morning:

1. 34 people have died from eating cantaloupe in the past two years.
2. A person was STABBED IN THE THIGH at the running of the bulls today in Spain. MEANING - a bull's horn went through his leg. AH!

Peace! 

DWYSYWD

One of my favorite virtues is integrity. But, for the longest time, I found it really difficult to define. Until I discovered the opposite. 

Ever have a friend promise to call you, and then just doesn't? Or what about that friend who consistently makes plans and then cancels?

Integrity is doing what you say you will do. Especially in the small things. Besides, if you can't be trusted in small things, how can you be trusted in big things?

best lesson from being a FuturesQuest Mentor.
image via.

If you constantly make plans, but cancel, you lose the trust of your friend. If you promise to bring in Reese's Bars into the office, but don't, then no one will believe you the next time. Your word is worth everything - until it's not.

So don't be that girl/guy. If you don't want to hang out with someone, don't make plans with them. I think it's much less painful in the long run then to be constantly let down. Bring the Reese's Bars into the office, or don't tell people you're going to bring them in. Do what you say you will do.

Simple.

25 in 25

When Schmem came to visit back in January/February, we were talking a lot about travel. I started counting (in my head) how many states I have been to. So I decided to do what any normal adult would do to get an accurate count: COLOR A MAP.

Some provisions for the count: I had to have stayed overnight in the state for the visit to count. Connections in airports definitely do not count and after some deliberation, simply driving through a state (hollaatchya, Wisconsin, West Virginia, & Georgia) does not count.

The Grand Total: 19. 

Isn't my map pretty!?

The question is: can I travel to six more states in ten months? FUN FACT: Two of those trips are already planned/paid for. It seems the question really is, can I get to four more states in ten months!?

So friends, near and far, do you want someone to come visit you in the next ten months? Hit me up. Do you want to go on an adventure? Really hit me up. (Guys, seriously, Santa Fe is like a 5 hour drive south. Road trip??)

Bam, 25 in 25, consider yourself added to the bucket list. 

PS: MOM DID I GO TO ANY STATES AS A CHILD THAT I DON'T REMEMBER!?

MORE.

Over and over again, Shauna Niequist nails it. This time, it was her post Less. Do yourself a favorite and go read it, immediately.

Did you read it?

Good. Glad you're back.

What I love about Shauna Niequiest and her writing is in the most eloquent, yet simple way, she speaks words that are vulnerable, beautiful, and exactly what I need to hear. 

My theme this year has been More Jesus, Less Stuff. And as we enter the halfway point of June, I think it's time to evaluate my progress.

I gave up TV for lent because I wanted more space for community and for Jesus. Instead what I allowed to creep in that space was a gaping loneliness, that left me lying in bed alone, fighting back tears of isolation while I was with other people, and a lingering sadness that would hiss lies in my ear about being unloved and uncared for. 

I am used to a full life. In college, I scheduled myself 24-hours a day with class, activities, events to plan, people to see, and meetings (on meetings on meetings) to attend. As a missionary, I ran around conforming my schedule to be present in the lives of 8+ women on a weekly basis, and trying to have a fulfilling team life with relationships with 9 other missionaries and their families. 

And now, when I am living in the wake of "less stuff," I see how this emptiness and dark can be unbearable. It seems that I have run full speed ahead with "Less Stuff," but have forgotten to fill it with "More Jesus."

And somehow, in the midst of all this, I remember a phrase that has stuck with me since Christine shared it on our 11PM drive from Ft. Myers to Ave Maria whilst taking a Divergent Factions Placement quiz (in case you are wondering, I am Amity & Christine is DIVERGENT!!!): Everything is God's Mercy. 

I believe that everything is within God's will. Yet somewhere along the road the connotation of that phrase was twisted in my heart to picture an angry, heartless God forcing me to feel miserable for a little bit because it pleased Him. The idea of God's will being a part of His Divine Mercy somehow sits better with my heart. 

Mercy allows me to see the other things He is protecting me from. Mercy allows me to see Him constantly calling out to me, doing everything He can to keep me on the path that leads to Him. Mercy inspires me to crawl out of the confessional, dust myself off, and to start again.

As I am remembering that everything is God's Mercy, and that I need to focus more on putting "More Jesus" into my life, I am already down here at FOCUS Summer Training for a full month where I am being presented with the opportunity to choose "More Jesus" at every moment. Whether that's attending prayer and scripture classes in my spare time, choosing kindness in my meetings and management style, or choosing daily Mass & prayer, the opportunities for "More Jesus" are readily available. Everything is God's Mercy. He knows what He's doing. 

Never would I have chosen a season of emptiness and loneliness, but because that has been my year, I now get to choose to return to Him in a way is real and relevant to our relationship. And who knows what's down the road - maybe this season of less will be a way my heart has been prepared to minister to others, or maybe it will propel me deeper into my relationship with Christ. 

So as Shauna continues along in her season of less, I will enter into a season of More (Jesus), all the while remembering every moment of my day is His Mercy.

7QTs on travel, carnivals, and the cold water challenge

I'm blogging from my phone at the airport today, so sorry there is no fancy 7QT image today. 

1. Happy May 30, people. Tomorrow is the last day of May and today I am flying to Florida. It's gonna be so great. 

2. Have you heard of the Cold Water Challenge? Basically it's this thing where someone challenges you to immerse yourself in cold water in some capacity & donate $10 to a charity of your choosing within 24 hours. If you don't do it, you are supposed to donate $100. If you do it, you get to post a video to facebook and then challenge other people to the CWC. It's a fun way to have fun and generate giving amongst younger people.

3. Maddie nominated me. Shere's my video:

My friends are the worst & didn't participate. 

4. This was a great week full of friendship and fun. My friend Katherine is leaving on the World Race right before I get back from NST, so I won't get to see her again until May 2015. So we obviously had to take a goodbye selfie. 

A friend from college is currently on the race and it seems like a really great program. I am so excited for Katherine and the lives she will change and the community she will build! Support and follow her mission here. 

5. Speaking of selfies, it was revealed last night that my roommate Michelle hates the word, "selfie." Obviously, Jenna and I proceeded to force her to take her first ever selfie. 

6. Last weekend I had the privilege of driving 8 hours to West Point, Nebraska to watch Shelby & Calvin get married. They are beautiful people with big hearts for loving others and that was evident at their wedding. Hundreds of people came out to pray and celebrate with them as they started a new chapter of their life.

Shelb was beautiful and Calvin didn't stop smiling all day. It was so great to be a part of their day, and I hope for many blessings upon them as they start their new lives together!

7. It's a big weekend happening right now. Camp Tecumseh Staff Training starts today, all the missionaries arrive at FOCUS New Staff Training tomorrow, and the FIRST EVER NST WELCOME CARNIVAL IS ON SUNDAY!

Seriously, you guys, this is gonna be big. At camp, we pull out all the stops to welcome the new staff to the community and make sure they are included and feel cared for. It's loud, it's big, it's crazy, and it's fun. FOCUS does a great job of welcoming us, but it's easy to feel lost that next day when you don't know anything or anyone. Since my first year I have wanted to do something big to kick of NST. This is my chance to shine. But more on that next week - I've got a flight to catch!

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