Writing

It's been really hard for me to write lately.

I'm not sure why. Ok that's a little bit of a lie. I think it's because life has been a little hard lately, and I'm used to being a positive, faithful person who knows exactly where I'm going and where I want to be. But that's not how I've felt for this past month. It's been hard for me to connect to God, and I feel like I've been really disconnected from who I am and who I want to be. And I haven't wanted to share those struggles.

I think one of the things that is hardest for me to admit is that I am not perfect. Somewhere along the way these past four years I've developed a thick external shell that does not allow me to need others to take care of me and does not allow me to make mistakes. But the crux of this shell is I need other people to make me feel loved, wanted, and whole. I need others to support me, keep me accountable in who I say that I am, and help me stay close to Christ. One of the reasons this past month has been so hard is because I've felt so distant from my friends. And it's because I've been going through life simply engaging in acts of trivia. I've been going from meeting to meeting to class to meeting and not stopping to spend real and intentional time with my friends. I didn't realize it right away, but that time being disconnected was eating away at my soul.

The other issue goes a little deeper, and I'm not sure if I'm ready to share those underlying factors with the world yet. But I think the important part is that I am acknowledging that for some reason I have a need to seem strong, and independent, but that's not necessarily what's good for me. I'm working on this.

This week, my goal is to write something every single day. And to post it. It doesn't have to be super deep or insightful, I just have to write. I love writing because it helps me sort out my thoughts, my feelings, and my relationships. I am most connected to myself and to God when I am writing. And when I don't do that, I get lost. So this week, I am going to write. And I'm going to remember who I am.

Fall Break

Right now, I'm blogging from my kitchen at home.

My weekend was pretty packed. I babysat for Quinn Thursday night. She is precious and has grown up so much!

On Friday I took a six hour drive southeast towards Saint Louis.

I picked Steph up at SLU, and we went straight to Six Flags. We had so much fun wandering around the dark park, getting lost, and avoiding the people dressed in scary costumes that follow you around. High of the night? Getting put in the same ferris wheel cart as a couple on a romantic date. #awkward

Saturday we went shopping and got lost downtown. We drove through an occupy wall street protest, past the arch, and into an area with basically no buildings. Luckily, google maps got us back to campus safely.

Sunday I drove home to Kansas to finish my midterm for my aggression class. I was impressed with how productive I was able to be at home. Carly and I joked the rest of the day about being primed for aggression. We like to make psych major jokes.

I love being home. Last night, I baked for my family and got to decorate cupcakes. Three of my favorite things.

Speaking of family, did you know I'm a grandma? Well, a DG one anyways. Dana's new little is Hannah. She's great and is so excited to be apart of our family. Big/little reveal was SO fun. I loved watching how excited everyone was when they found out who their big is!

I'm glad to get to be home for the next few days. It's good to get away from the stress of college life and refocus.

100 Things I Love

This is my 100th post. This calls for a list of 100 Things I Love, in no particular order.

1. Highs and lows at panhel exec meetings
2. Cooking dinner for myself
3. Cooking dinner for other people
4. Planning parties
5. Gathering people together to play games
6. Making friendship bracelets
7. Sassy, but serious, DG Bible studies
8. Rainstorms at CT that force you to stay in your cabin, which ends up with all of the campers so much closer than they were before the storm started
9. Sleeping out on the suspension bridge
10. Fall boots
11. Getting a latte from Starbucks
12. Choreography on the spot in show choir clinic
13. Performing at closing campfire
14. Senior of the Event at chapter - hearing the funny stories about the seniors as small children
15. Personal values clarification exercises and devotions
16. Heart to hearts on the back porches of LV cabins
17. FROYO
18. Mint chocolate chip ice cream
19. Facebook Chat
20. Talking to the StIL staff
21. Giving the torchbearers their medallions at closing campfire
22. Finding a new craft to try out
23. Scrapbooking old pictures
24. Moments of peace and clarity that come while journaling
25. The smell of baked goods in the oven
26. Sleepovers
27. Candlelight Mass
28. Singing in church
29. Brainstorming ideas for a costume
30. Dresses
31. Business Casual
32. Hashtags in real life
33. Waking up early and going to a coffee shop
34. Sitting in the Olmsted coffee shop and hanging out with everyone who passes by
35. Skyping with friends who are far away
36. Telling epic stories with Sowens to our campers
37. Playing ice breakers
38. Talking to my mom on the phone (basically everyday)
39. Singing entire musical soundtracks, really really loud, in my car
40. Hand written letters from campers
41. TOMS shoes
42. Hugging friends
43. The feeling of accomplishment after completing a long assignment
44. Blogging
45. Shopping with my sister
46. Trips to the Smokies with our "third family"
47. Adoration
48. Feeling close and connected to a community
49. The Sisters of Life
50. Night Prayer
51. Diet Dr. Pepper with Cherry
52. #flybetaphi
53. Hanging quotes on my wall
54. Picture frames
55. Espinanca from Cactus Grill
56. Laughing with friends
57. Christmas morning
58. Curling my hair
59. Finding out you have something in common with someone new
60. Discipleship with Dana
61. My DG family
62. Life Nights
63. Drake Late Night Lock-Ins
64. Swing Dancing
65. Decorating cup cakes
66. To Do Lists
67. Crossing off things on my to do list
68. Post-It Notes
69. Color Coding my planner
70. Singing in the shower
71. Late night shenanigans with my roommates
72. Spontaneous froyo with Sarah Mooney
73. Singing "Welcome to the Family"
74. Walking around cities
75. The moment when you know your campers understand the lesson you are trying to teach them
76. Flash Mobs
77. The excitement I feel when I land in the Indianapolis Airport
78. The color of the trees in the fall
79. Playing board games
80. Taylor Swift songs
81. Jumping pictures
82. CT staff sweatshirts
83. Crew neck sweatshirts
84. Leggings
85. Taking walks and having real conversation
86. Midnight Hole
87. Wedding photography
88. Talking in accents
89. Passing friends from the other village on Lake Hill
90. 2nd period coord time
91. Reunions
92. Planning out my day
93. Broadway posters
94. Sitting around or by a fire and talking
95. Starting fires
96. Achieving goals
97. Reading for fun
98. When you know someone is really listening
99. Memories/Nostalgia 
100. Making a decision to do something positive and actually following through with it

Things I Don't Do.

Last night, I led DG Bible Study.

We read "Things I Don't Do" from Shanua Niequist's Bittersweet. We talked about "DO EVERYTHING BETTER" and which one of those words is the crux for us. For the pharmacy girls it was "better," for some it was "everything," but right now for me, the painful, harsh, killer word in my life is "do."

Shanua writes eloquently about why "do" is harsh and aggressive and damaging to the soul, but right now "do" is killing me because I feel like all I ever have time for is "do." Whether it's school, work, or meetings, I have been running from place to place and "doing" life away. I do not leave time to simply be. And it's taken me until this week to realize how damaging that's been to the core of who I am. I haven't left time to be a friend or even be with God. And I do not want this to become a habit. So it's time to reframe the way I'm living my life and the way I'm thinking.

Yesterday, my friend Sarah wrote "you can do something to make love win today." That's where I want to live my life.

So, in honor of "Things I Don't Do," here are my two lists. I'm still working on some of these, but I know in order to get to the heart of who I want to be, I need to be honest with myself and with life.

Things I Do:

To me, these are the things that outline who I want to be. They are either abstract guidelines that outline my way of living, or specific practices on how I live my life.

Things I Don't Do:

These are the things that go against the things on my "Things I Do" list. These are the things I am willing to give up in order to pursue excellence in my life.

End of Bible Study challenge: Pick one item, from either list, to work on this week. I picked list 1, item 1.

This Week I...

1. Spoke at the Board of Trustees Meeting

2. Went to the ISU game

3. Taught some new members about Greek Life

4. Spoke up for something I believe in

5. Had dinner with some good friends

6. Got sick

7. Said goodbye to a friend and a mentor

8. Coached Pi Kappa Phi

9. Shared a part of my heart with my discipler

10. Saw an old friend.

"You just gave me lead poisoning!" "No I didn't, this is graphite."

With the craziness of the fall semester, living out of the house, being Panhel President, and FK2KXI, I haven't seen some of my friends in what feels like forever. We've seen each other in passing, but we haven't gotten to spend real time together. So tonight I decided to change that.

We spent the evening playing "Things," laughing at the answers we wrote, and laughing even harder at the conversations that came up because of our answers. There was a common theme of farts and Matilda for answers. We were also very proud of the fact that we killed a cake.

My roommates and I are in the processes of decorating our very white apartment. It's taking a long time, but we're getting there. We decided that the wall above our couch should be the wall of things we love. It's turned into the wall of randomness. I'm excited to keep filling it up.

Things I've loved as of late:

1. Cooking. Especially for others. I feel like Shauna Niequist when I invite my friends over to eat a meal I've cooked.

2. Starting my new job in the office of Student Involvement and Leadership.

3. Going on friend dates and starting my Bible study. Last week we got to know each other and made lists.

4. Visiting Leigh in her office EVERY DAY before her last day.

5. Crafting quotes for my apartment.

Taylor Swift!

Many of you know of the great TSwift tragedy of July 2011. Taylor got sick and hand to cancel her concert, leaving 8 Tecumseh counselors stranded in Kentucky, and very sad.

Sarah and I were not about to give up on our dreams of seeing TSwift in concert. As soon as we got back to Drake, we booked our tickets to see her in KC. We were super nervous she was going to get sick again. We spent the morning tweeting about it.

We heard nothing about Taylor being ill, so after Sarah cleaned my windows,

we took off down I-35 to Kansas City. Yvette slept in the back while barbie Jamie and Herman the gummy worm took turns driving.

We got home with just enough time to change into our best TSwift attire,

go to my favorite Mexican restaurant for dinner, make a pitstop at Yogurtini,

and make a new friend

before heading to Arrowhead for the concert. We arrived just in time to see NEEDTOBREATHE perform. They were so good, and it was awesome to hear them live. At the end of their set, they announced that if you bought their new album today, you would be able to meet them. So we obviously rushed to section 133 to buy "The Reckoning."

We missed the first 30 seconds of Taylor's performance, but it was so worth it. When we got back to our seats (8th row, floor section!) we were transported into a fairytale land of Taylor Swift songs. It was AWESOME.

Highs of the TSwift Concert:

1. Seeing her sparkly & purple "13" on her hand
2. Trying to figure out why she had "I hope you know that even if I don't, I wanted to." written down her arm
3. Hearing her speak. She sounds like a Disney princess
4. It snowed during "Back to December."
5. Shaking Taylor's hand. NBD.
6. The "Speak Now" Scene
7. Ballet during "Enchanted"
8. The Encore. 15, Love Story, & glitter confetti
9. Hearing mom's talk about how they loved that she skipped around during the concert
10. Trapeze dancers. So legit.
11. Meeting NEEDTOBREATHE and telling Bear Rinehart we liked his anchor necklace

Yvette, Sarah, & I had a great weekend. It definitely made up for Louisville.