It's been really hard for me to write lately.
I'm not sure why. Ok that's a little bit of a lie. I think it's because life has been a little hard lately, and I'm used to being a positive, faithful person who knows exactly where I'm going and where I want to be. But that's not how I've felt for this past month. It's been hard for me to connect to God, and I feel like I've been really disconnected from who I am and who I want to be. And I haven't wanted to share those struggles.
I think one of the things that is hardest for me to admit is that I am not perfect. Somewhere along the way these past four years I've developed a thick external shell that does not allow me to need others to take care of me and does not allow me to make mistakes. But the crux of this shell is I need other people to make me feel loved, wanted, and whole. I need others to support me, keep me accountable in who I say that I am, and help me stay close to Christ. One of the reasons this past month has been so hard is because I've felt so distant from my friends. And it's because I've been going through life simply engaging in acts of trivia. I've been going from meeting to meeting to class to meeting and not stopping to spend real and intentional time with my friends. I didn't realize it right away, but that time being disconnected was eating away at my soul.
The other issue goes a little deeper, and I'm not sure if I'm ready to share those underlying factors with the world yet. But I think the important part is that I am acknowledging that for some reason I have a need to seem strong, and independent, but that's not necessarily what's good for me. I'm working on this.
This week, my goal is to write something every single day. And to post it. It doesn't have to be super deep or insightful, I just have to write. I love writing because it helps me sort out my thoughts, my feelings, and my relationships. I am most connected to myself and to God when I am writing. And when I don't do that, I get lost. So this week, I am going to write. And I'm going to remember who I am.