Tuesday, November 29, 2011

thoughts on why it's been so hard for me to keep writing this semester

I stopped writing as frequently over the summer, mainly because I was exhausted all the time. Another reason was because camp was a little different and challenging in a more professional way this summer. I transitioned into a leadership role, and it was more demanding than being a regular counselor. I loved every second of it, but it was a lot more exhausting that what I was used to.

When I got back to Drake, I immediately transitioned into a recruitment machine. I lived, breathed, ate, and slept recruitment. With recruitment consuming my world, there wasn't much to write about, especially since 90% of what I was doing had to remain confidential. After that, the theme of this semester has been risk management and mediations. This is an extremely stressful process and again it is extremely confidential.

While all of this was going on, I was struggling to figure out what it meant to live out of the house and transition into being a senior. Things were busy, but not in a way that I was used to. Instead of lists of endless tasks to do, I was consumed with endless conversations and extreme emotions. Keeping in contact with friends from camp had gotten extremely difficult and I felt almost completely cut off from people as we were in this transitional phase of life.

I was able to refresh and get excited about school over fall break. I was able to spend 10+ days away from school with my family and friends from high school. And then I was able to spend the next weekend with friends from camp and reconnect. After both of these events, I was ready to write and even made a public statement about writing everyday that week.

And then, I didn't get a job that I was positive I was going to get.

I was shocked, hurt, confused, wounded, and mainly embarrassed. A lot of people knew I had applied for this job and I was counting on being able to know what I was going to do next year so early in the game. But then that plan came crashing down around me, and I didn't know what to do. Luckily for me, I am incredibly blessed to have an extremely supportive discipler in my life. Dana came over that night and we talked through it.

A lot of things have gone wrong and not as I have planned them this semester. It's one thing to say that Jeremiah 29:11 ("For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.") is one of my favorite verses, but it is a completely different thing to actually believe and trust it when things come crashing down around you.

I thought about blogging about it, but honestly, I couldn't get over the shame of admitting I had failed. To me, not getting this job screamed "YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH" in my face, and as much as I try, I still feel as though a lot of my worth is tied up in my titles, positions, involvement, and recognition. And after analyzing the fact that I didn't get the job and why I was feeling the way that I was all semester again and again and again, I came to a realization: I was letting my pride get in the way of everything in my life.

I've been reading a lot of verses and writing about dying to oneself and following Christ. This message is everywhere, and to truly follow him one MUST give up everything. Easy to say, so hard to do. When Dana and I were talking that night, she asked me, "are you willing to let this go because Christ has something better for you? Not something that is easier, more convenient, or more glorified, but something that is truly better for you?" And for me, I think there is a lot I need to die to or let to in order to fully and truly follow Christ.

So now I am working on being honest with myself and who I want to be. I am praying fervently for a death to my pride and an increase in humility. I want to be real, I want to recognize that things aren't always perfect for me. I want to let go of material and prideful things so that I can create more space in my heart for Christ.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for taking a risk and being so honest and vulnerable here. You should be proud of that Michelle. You are dearly loved and you are more than enough. Promise.