I'm blogging from a bus.

This is for real. I'm currently on a MegaBus heading to Chicago for an interview weekend. Prayers that I may remain open to God's will & for clarity from the Holy Spirit would be very much appreciated.

This week has been filled with ups and downs, but mainly filled with a lot of anxiety about what is in store for the future. I found a lot of peace in Christ last weekend in Kansas City, but the devil is trying to attack that peace in so many different ways. I know I need to find and cling to peace, but it is getting harder and harder as I am unsure what God's plan is for me. There are so many different great options out there, but I want to pick what is truly going to be the best thing I can do for God. Last weekend one of the missionaries read a quote from Pope Benedict 16 that encouraged us to enthusiastically accept our missionary responsibility Christ has called us to and to accept it as the highest form of service we can do for Christ and His Church. I so greatly desire to accept my call from God without hesitation. It can just be hard to hear Him through the noise of this world. I'm very grateful in this moment that I don't have the ability to text or get on facebook so I can't be distracted by my peers plans for the future and what other people think I should do. There are still distractions and attempts to pull me away from Christ even without social media, so I'm trying hard to "pray without ceasing" and constantly return to that place where I truly desired nothing but Christ's will.

Last night at mass Father Joel gave a homily on what he calls "the scariest gospel." It is the story of the rich man who went to hell for his sins of omission. I know when judgement day comes along I will have to account for all of my sins, but what I am fearing most in this moment is having to explain to God why I didn't do things, why I didn't speak up when I should have, and why I failed to accept my missionary call. I pray that God grants me to courage to accept what He has in store for me so that from this moment on my life can be nothing but an ongoing "yes" to whatever it is that God wants. Even if that means an uncertain summer, lack of support and understanding from people I care about, and a change to my personal plans.

It's hard to admit these fears to myself, and even harder to post them for the world to see. But as Dana told me last weekend, simply naming the fears weakens their hold over. I refuse to let my fears be the reason for a decision about next year. So I am praying hard for God to give me courage to say yes to him, strength to stand by my decisions, and peace when making those decisions.

Parable of the Sower

In prayer on Sunday, I read the Parable of the Sower in Matthew. If you are unfamiliar with the parable, here it is:

"A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering his seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. The other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop - a hundred, sixty, or thirty times what was sown." Matthew 13:3-8

I've read this parable countless times, I've taught it in Sunday School, taught it in devotions, and in chapels. Yet reading it on Sunday was different. What I love about the Word is how you can revisit the same verse or teaching again and again and God can reveal a different part to you with each visit to His life. On Sunday, Jesus and I walked through the times when I have been sown in the different types of soil. We looked at high school where I had no root, early years of college where I was among thorns, and earlier in my life where the seed had fallen along the path.

In Bible Study last night, we read and talked about this passage as well. It was neat to hear what soils people think they are in and where they want to go. We talked about how we want our study to be good soil for one another, how we want it to be a place where we can grow and flourish together as sisters in Christ.

I like to think that I really am in good soil now. But what I think I realized on Sunday was that I am very much at a point where it is possible for me to allow the thorns in my life to "choke out" my plant. I am in the midst of figuring out where I am going to be next year and how exactly I can serve Jesus and His Church. There are some scary things about each option. But what I am realizing is that whatever God wants me to do, I need to do. Not out of fear of what will happen if I don't, but truly out of joy in knowing it is what He is calling me to. The path he has chosen for me is my "good soil." Just because that option will be my good soil and will be the best way for me to grow close to Him does not mean there won't be thorns along the way. These thorns might threaten my ability to choose, but if I truly love Him I will not allow the thorns to "choke" me.

I am so grateful that FOCUS came to St. Kate's my sophomore year. Those first four missionaries laid a lot of ground work and worked so incredibly hard to spread seed in good soil. Two years later our community of student leaders is flourishing and so is our impact. It is incredible to see what the Holy Spirit and Jesus are doing through our willingness to say "yes" to Bible Studies, friendships, and discipleship. None of the original four are at Drake, but their hard work truly is allowing a crop to be produced - a hudred, sixty, or thirty times what was sown. I pray that no matter what happens in the years to come I am able to continue my walk with Christ and sow seeds in good soil.

Highlights of my weekend:

1. Experiencing Christ's peace
2. Starting to plan AKPsi formal
3. Meeting a bunch of other students from around the Great Plains Region who are hoping to share Christ's love in whatever way He is calling them
4. Mass at Our Lady of Good Council - seriously the best homily I've ever heard
5. Sharing and hearing testimonies
6. ROAD TRIPPPPPP.
7. Seeing my family for lunch today
8. Country line dancing
9. 60 degree weather in KC today
10. This quote from an art museum: "what I am trying to do and has to do with exuberance and hope and joy" - Jose Alvarez
11. This picture:

Sacrifice What Surrounds You.

This week, Relentless ACT:S of Sacrifice challenged us to sacrifice whats surrounds you. They challenged us to recreate the walls of our daily life, and to surround ourselves with things that inspire us to act on what we are passionate about.

I decided that this meant more than the walls of my room, so I changed my desktop background. The image on the screen of my computer is the one I see the most each day. Mary gave everything for God when she said, "Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. Let it be done unto me according to Your Word." Mary inspires me to follow Christ and to have courage to follow His plan for my life.

What else surrounds me each day? The answer was obvious: what I wear. I ended up going through my closet and pulling out a lot of my clothes to donate to charity. I still have more than enough outfits to wear, but what purpose does a perfectly good shirt have if I am never going to wear it? These clothes can be loved by someone else, by someone who truly needs them.

Finally, I redecorated my room to sacrifice the walls of my every day life. I rearranged my furniture for a fresh start, I took down some of the cluttering posters and pictures, and added things that inspire me.

This week in my Bible Study, we talked about St. Gianna Molla.

"One cannot love without suffering,
or suffer without loving."
- St. Gianna Molla

Beautified by JPII in 1994, St. Gianna lived until the age of thirty-nine, beautifully balancing her roles as a surgen, mother, and wife. She died in 1962 when she refused to have an abortion and insisted the doctors save her unborn child's life over her own. St. Gianna chose to sacrifice her life for the love of her children. Her image and quote have gone on my wall to remind me that to love is to die to yourself and to sacrifice for those around you.

Mary's quote that changed the world and my consecration prayer are on my wall to remind me to strive to live like her each day.

I love this quote about sacrifice. Blessed Mother Theresa said this. I put it on my door to remind me of her great life of sacrifice.

On Thursday, I wrote about a song that makes me think. Once challenged and come to a realization, I don't want to forget what I have learned about life and myself. God has been showing me the importance and necessity of sacrifice. Having these words and images surround me will hopefully remind me to constantly give thanks to God for all He has given me, and inspire me to act for the good of others.

The Life of a Research Assistant

This semester, I have been finishing up my research seminar with Dr. Allen that I started last semester. My fellow research assistants and I have spent the last month recruiting participants, collecting data, inputing data, and basically living in Olin Hall.

Speaking to the PSY001 Labs

We might have taken over the sign up board... 

Our excel spreadsheet goes out to "JO"

I am so excited because we are DONE collecting data and we are almost done entering our data into the computer. We will finish that process early next week and then comes the fun part - statistical analysis. The rest of our semester will be spent working on our article that will hopefully be published.

I'm very grateful that Drake makes it so easy for students to do research with their professors. This is great experience for an undergraduate to have, and it has opened my eyes to the possibility of eventually pursing a Ph.D. It is good to know that I do enjoy research even if I do not decide to go down that path.

Thoughts Inspired By a Song

Over winter break, I acquired a bunch of new music from a friend. I will generally listen to most types of music and I really like stuff that actually makes me think, so I was excited to hear the songs. Most of it was different from the type of music I normally listen to, but it was good. 

One song I had forgotten about came back up my shuffle tonight. When I first heard it, I immediately hated it because I didn't listen to it in-depth. Lines such as "love is just a hoax so forget everything that you've heard," and advice simply amounting up to living for what feels good in the moment had me cringing until I got to the end of the song. The line changes to "love's completely real, so forget everything that you've heard." Having misjudged the song, I had to listen to it again. After listening to it over and over, I know there are parts that I slightly agree. I definitely do not support everything that it's saying (especially since it encourages us to only seek what it good in the moment), but I appreciate that it got me thinking. 

Overall, it's a good song and it got me thinking about the types of people we surround ourselves with and the types of things that we do. Please forgive my overgeneralizing in the next paragraph, but this is what the song made me think of.

I think in life we want to be comfortable. We like to be affirmed in who we are and in the choices that we make. So we surround ourselves with people that are similar to us. When we talk about controversial things, like politics and religion, we might disagree on minor details, but we generally walk away from the conversation thinking the exact same way that we did before. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but if the reason we do not change our thoughts is because we are not listening, it can become bad. We watch mind numbing movies, TV shows, and read mind numbing magazines and novels. When something real happens to us, we ignore it. We don't challenge ourselves and we don't think. I can name times when I have been completely guilty of this.

So what I think I got out of this song about society and love comes down to is this: I don't want to be the kind of person who never challenges myself in what I believe in. I don't want to exist in what is simply comfortable to me. Yes, there is a time and a place for those things, but I want to live. I want to go outside of myself, get uncomfortable, and serve Christ and His Church. I want to remember who I am, and I want to grow from my experiences and the challenges I have faced. I want to take things that make me think, like this song, and figure out what it means for me. I don't want to be content with a comfortable existence where I am never challenged. I want to keep learning new things, and growing from what I experience.

What does sacrifice mean to you?

Before I gave up facebook, I saw that my camp friend, Ben, was going to be doing "Relentless ACT:S of Sacrifice" for Lent. I thought I'd check out the website. I looked around for a bit and it seemed to be echoing my desire to simplify, and so I signed up.

Last week's challenge was to begin preparation for this journey by figuring out what you are willing to sacrifice and to figure out what exactly sacrifice means to you.

What I think sacrifice means is being willing to give things up with the intention of growing closer to Christ. I was able to hear Sr. Mary Alma talk about the vow of poverty and what that means to her and her community of the School Sisters of Christ the King. She told us that though the vow is acted out differently in other communities, the heart of poverty, the heart of sacrifice, is telling Christ, "You are enough for me." It is about freeing your heart from attachments to worldly things so your heart can be free for Christ and His will. ("For where your heart is, there your treasure will be also." - Luke 12:34/Matthew 6:21) If we become attached to things, our heart will be there. And then our treasure will be there as well. I don't want that. I think sacrifice is about dying to myself so I can put the desires of Christ and the needs of others before my own.

For me, sacrifice and love are becoming inseparable constructs. I think when you truly love someone you want to will their good above you own. That leads you to sacrifice your own desires if they conflict with the good of that person you love. When you love, you desire what that person desires. And sometimes that can lead you to sacrifice as well.

When I started I was willing to sacrifice my security in communication. I am coming to realize that I am willing to sacrifice whatever Christ is calling me to. I am excited to continue these challenges and I pray they will compliment my lenten sacrifice and challenge to simplify to Christ.