Sunday, March 2, 2014

on that time I cried in the bathroom at work.

Not sure why I'm sharing this, as it's super embarrassing.

I am learning that I am pretty dang good at ignoring my problems and my negative feelings. On the plus side, it makes me a really positive person. On the negative side, I tend to not deal with a lot of my issues right away.

Though, while I was crying, I made myself think about WHY I was upset instead of feeling sorry for myself. Mainly because it wasn't a big deal and I did not want to be crying in the bathroom. At work. 

Basically, here's what happened:
1. I was assigned a task for an upcoming event.
2. I felt like nothing I could do for this task was good enough.
3. Therefore, I wasn't putting my best foot forward.
4. My boss mentioned to me that the person I'm working with was concerned that the task wasn't a priority.
5. I felt myself start to choke up and it was awkward.
6. I admitted that I could be working more intentionally on this task.
7. The meeting ended.
8. I went to the bathroom & made sure no one was in there.
9. I cried.

So there I am, locked in a stall, crying like an idiot for getting reprimanded. I HATE being reprimanded. I take everything really, really personally. It's a flaw, and an issue I really need to work on. But, nevertheless, I made myself try to figure out why I'm upset about this. The answer: I feel like a gopher and I feel like every thing I do is not good enough for this project. 

10. Stop crying. 
11. Splash cold water on eyes.
12. Go back to desk.
13. Look at your desktop and remind yourself why you are helping with said event.
14. Send 20 emails to get ahead in said task.
15. Take ownership and resolve to do a much better job and have a positive outlook on the task.

Here's the (annoying,) positive, growth side of this: 
1. I get to do something I don't really want to do and offer it up for the overall good of the event and advancement of God's kingdom.
2. I get to learn how to handle criticism instead of writing it off and quitting (because I am not quitting this job.)
3. It was an opportunity to practice self awareness and death to self. I now have a better idea of how I respond to certain situations, why I feel this way about this task, and I am able to do it anyways.

So, in the long run this will all be good. 

My first reaction was that I wish it wouldn't have taken crying at work for me to take ownership this project. But in hindsight, I'm really okay with crying at work. Sure, it's awkward. But without those tears, I wouldn't have take ownership of the project, and I wouldn't have realized what was bothering me. Ever since I figured it out, I have been able to be proactive in my choices about this assignment and choose positivity.

So cry on, my friends. Just make sure you stop and dig deep to figure out why you're upset. From that place of self-knowledge, you will become empowered to move forward with ownership.

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