thoughts on why it's been so hard for me to keep writing this semester

I stopped writing as frequently over the summer, mainly because I was exhausted all the time. Another reason was because camp was a little different and challenging in a more professional way this summer. I transitioned into a leadership role, and it was more demanding than being a regular counselor. I loved every second of it, but it was a lot more exhausting that what I was used to.

When I got back to Drake, I immediately transitioned into a recruitment machine. I lived, breathed, ate, and slept recruitment. With recruitment consuming my world, there wasn't much to write about, especially since 90% of what I was doing had to remain confidential. After that, the theme of this semester has been risk management and mediations. This is an extremely stressful process and again it is extremely confidential.

While all of this was going on, I was struggling to figure out what it meant to live out of the house and transition into being a senior. Things were busy, but not in a way that I was used to. Instead of lists of endless tasks to do, I was consumed with endless conversations and extreme emotions. Keeping in contact with friends from camp had gotten extremely difficult and I felt almost completely cut off from people as we were in this transitional phase of life.

I was able to refresh and get excited about school over fall break. I was able to spend 10+ days away from school with my family and friends from high school. And then I was able to spend the next weekend with friends from camp and reconnect. After both of these events, I was ready to write and even made a public statement about writing everyday that week.

And then, I didn't get a job that I was positive I was going to get.

I was shocked, hurt, confused, wounded, and mainly embarrassed. A lot of people knew I had applied for this job and I was counting on being able to know what I was going to do next year so early in the game. But then that plan came crashing down around me, and I didn't know what to do. Luckily for me, I am incredibly blessed to have an extremely supportive discipler in my life. Dana came over that night and we talked through it.

A lot of things have gone wrong and not as I have planned them this semester. It's one thing to say that Jeremiah 29:11 ("For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.") is one of my favorite verses, but it is a completely different thing to actually believe and trust it when things come crashing down around you.

I thought about blogging about it, but honestly, I couldn't get over the shame of admitting I had failed. To me, not getting this job screamed "YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH" in my face, and as much as I try, I still feel as though a lot of my worth is tied up in my titles, positions, involvement, and recognition. And after analyzing the fact that I didn't get the job and why I was feeling the way that I was all semester again and again and again, I came to a realization: I was letting my pride get in the way of everything in my life.

I've been reading a lot of verses and writing about dying to oneself and following Christ. This message is everywhere, and to truly follow him one MUST give up everything. Easy to say, so hard to do. When Dana and I were talking that night, she asked me, "are you willing to let this go because Christ has something better for you? Not something that is easier, more convenient, or more glorified, but something that is truly better for you?" And for me, I think there is a lot I need to die to or let to in order to fully and truly follow Christ.

So now I am working on being honest with myself and who I want to be. I am praying fervently for a death to my pride and an increase in humility. I want to be real, I want to recognize that things aren't always perfect for me. I want to let go of material and prideful things so that I can create more space in my heart for Christ.

Gratefulness

I don't really have much I want to say right now, but I said I'd blog everyday this week. And I'm going to do that.

Today, I'm grateful for:
1. Sarah Mooney's hugs
2. Starbucks coffee
3. Friends who bring you McDonald's
4. Father Joel's jokes in the middle of mass
5. Dinner with Rachel
6. A conversation that was an unexpected blessing
7. Hour long Panhel meetings (15 minutes of actual meeting, 45 minutes of being friends)
8. Dancing with friends in my apartment
9. Honesty
10. Our WV CA picking up our trash tomorrow morning

Our apartment is a place of insanity right now

Today was a good day. My three hour class was canceled, so it felt like I had SO MUCH TIME to do things! I obviously took the opportunity to do my laundry, hang up pictures on my wall, and add more quotes around the apartment. And study for my test Wednesday.

Later, I had a meeting to finalize the details for the second "Night of Unity," and a 2:42 meeting.

2:42 was a great time to sit and reflect upon the purpose of prayer in our lives. We've been talking a lot about prayer this year and just how important it is. We talked about how when we're praying, we are simply participating in a relationship with God and how he is constantly working in our lives and we just need to show up and do it. If we just show up, he will do the work. All he needs is our yes to continually work in our lives.

Tomorrow is a big day for apartment 523, so we may or may not just finished running around and screaming/laughing/making a scene from anxiety/stress/insanity.

Writing

It's been really hard for me to write lately.

I'm not sure why. Ok that's a little bit of a lie. I think it's because life has been a little hard lately, and I'm used to being a positive, faithful person who knows exactly where I'm going and where I want to be. But that's not how I've felt for this past month. It's been hard for me to connect to God, and I feel like I've been really disconnected from who I am and who I want to be. And I haven't wanted to share those struggles.

I think one of the things that is hardest for me to admit is that I am not perfect. Somewhere along the way these past four years I've developed a thick external shell that does not allow me to need others to take care of me and does not allow me to make mistakes. But the crux of this shell is I need other people to make me feel loved, wanted, and whole. I need others to support me, keep me accountable in who I say that I am, and help me stay close to Christ. One of the reasons this past month has been so hard is because I've felt so distant from my friends. And it's because I've been going through life simply engaging in acts of trivia. I've been going from meeting to meeting to class to meeting and not stopping to spend real and intentional time with my friends. I didn't realize it right away, but that time being disconnected was eating away at my soul.

The other issue goes a little deeper, and I'm not sure if I'm ready to share those underlying factors with the world yet. But I think the important part is that I am acknowledging that for some reason I have a need to seem strong, and independent, but that's not necessarily what's good for me. I'm working on this.

This week, my goal is to write something every single day. And to post it. It doesn't have to be super deep or insightful, I just have to write. I love writing because it helps me sort out my thoughts, my feelings, and my relationships. I am most connected to myself and to God when I am writing. And when I don't do that, I get lost. So this week, I am going to write. And I'm going to remember who I am.