The Principle of Continuous Improvement

I am constantly reading about and coming up with things to do to help me become the best version of myself. I get overly excited as I discover what I should do next. I'm a jumper - I go from zero to sixty in one goal setting experience. I haven't worked out in forever? Go every day this week. I want to pray more? Add an additional holy half hour. I want to start writing again? Blog every day without exception. And then I fall miserably on my face because I pile all these things on top of each other at the same time. So it's more like zero to 500 in one day.

And it never lasts. The next time I want to try I don't do it because I failed so miserably the time before. Suddenly these goals and desires of mine are a page out of Shauna Niequest's Bittersweet screaming "DO EVERYTHING BETTER" at me, paralyzing me. So I do nothing.

I'm reading Matthew Kelly's The Four Signs of a Dynamic Catholic (read it and get it for free here) and he talks about using the principle of continuous improvement for our spiritual life. Basically this principle suggests that implementing one minuscule step towards your goal in your daily life each week allows people to feel empowered and motivated to make positive changes. Instead of feeling overwhelmed, you are able to take control of your life and the growth you desire. You will grow over time, and these just noticeable differences are a non-threatening way to change.

After many series of repeated failures, this principle excites me. However, my problem is that there are about one million and one areas in my life that I want to improve with this principle. Which would continue to lead me down the failing path of zero to 500.

These next couple of weeks I will be focusing on growing in just one area. I have chosen Matthew Kelly's first sign of a Dynamic Catholic: prayer.

The Christian Life cannot sustain itself without prayer. As a missionary, I've grown so much in this over the course of the year. I have become consistent and I have actually learned to listen. But I still have quite a long way to go.

The best version of myself would not only faithfully stick to my daily prayer routine, but would have a life that is a constant flow of conversation with my God. For me, my first step is the morning offering.

How can I expect to flow in and out of conversation with Christ if I don't talk to Him at the start of my day?

That's where I'm at. I'm not making any promises of consistent posting (even though that's on my short list) because I really want to focus on the slow and steady growth.

For now, I will begin my day calling the name of Jesus to mind and offering Him my day.


I'll be back soon. Pray for me that I might grow closer to Christ this lent.

"Remember that nothing is small in the eyes of God."

Today I am really grateful for the women in my college. We are starting to develop closer friendships and I have really needed their sisterhood.

On Tuesday we had dinner together and laughed a lot about frogs and how they're creeps. Sarah does a great impression of the way frogs would say "hello."

That night we went to Cocomero, Champaign's local froyo shop, to talk about emotional chastity and the dating fast. When we commit to our two years in FOCUS, we are in a really unique postion where we commit to fast from dating for an entire year.

 The fast looks a little different for everyone, especially if someone begins their work in FOCUS already in a relationship, but for me it means a 100% fast from romantic relationships and to discourage romantic feelings. I know this sounds crazy to a lot of people, but this fast is actually a great gift. This is a way for me to truly allow Christ to be my most intimate friend and for me to allow Him to be my first love. It will drive me to be a woman of deep prayer, it will allow me to heal from broken relationships in the past and the world's view of relationship, and it will allow me to grow in emotional maturity. Most importantly, this fast will allow me first view men as my brothers in Christ.

I know that this fast can sound like a lot of rules being put on to us by FOCUS. But really, this fast is completely about freedom. It is an opportunity to grow closer to Christ and to commit myself 100% to my mission. Yes it will be hard, but I think we grow the most when times are hard. 

Today we started to learn about salvation history (we are completing a 24 hour long session class in 9 hours) and then had team time. Since the whole UNL gang won't be here until Friday, my team got the afternoon off. It was nice to be able to catch up on some rest and catch up on work.

This evening we had women's recreation. It was a two hour scavenger hunt running across campus. It was hard. I am not athletically gifted at all and I can't even run for five minutes without feeling like I'm going to pass out, throw up, or just die. It was really hard for me knowing I was the one slowing our group down and keeping us from being quicker. I really struggle with allowing other people to see and know my weaknesses so that made this even harder.

This scavenger hunt allowed me to begin to open up and share this minor weakness with others. I had to accept their offers to slow down and walk with me. It was definitely a pride check and I was not very excited about it for the most part. Despite being constantly winded and feeling really embarrassed, I loved walking with these women and tackling the challenges at each station with them. I am so grateful that they were willing to love and respect me in my weakness and lift me up in it.

Tomorrow, the rest of team UNL comes into town. I'm really excited to meet them and to start our work together.

St. Therese of Lisieux, pray for us!

Letting Go

Camp Tecumseh Staff Training started today. And I'm really struggling with it.

When I was on my JVC discernment weekend we spent a lot of time talking about our attachments. They defined them as people or things or events that would keep us from serving with JVC. God really showed me how attached I was to Camp. To be honest, it was a big factor in my decision making process and organizations that would not allow me to be at camp this summer had a huge strike against them.

I was really looking forward to working in the formation of the Lake Village staff this summer. I was excited to teach them how to pray, be third, how to be the best counselor possible, and how to "love those kids." I was pumped to partner with Tom, Mike, and the LV coords to improve the day to day functioning of Lake Village so we could take strides to make CT2K12 the best summer yet. But God had other plans. 

I am so happy to be here with FOCUS shaping college students full time. My job will be to "love those students" and to bring them Jesus. Yes, I will miss the silliness of camp and working alongside some of my absolute best friends and people who have shaped who I am today. But through those struggles, Jesus is starting to show me that every moment, camper, and friend at Tecumseh was never mine to begin with. They are all His and He loved me enough to give them to me to love for Him for a few years. But now He needs them back so He can do big things in their lives at camp and big things in my life with FOCUS. As one priest put it today, "don't ever give up on what God has given you to do." God has given me this part in the Great Commission and I cannot give up on it.

College of St. Therese dominating at Volleyball

Yes, it was hard to know camp was so much fun today without me, but that's okay. I know this is my time to give Camp back to God. Every person I met and every moment I had at camp will stay with me forever. I will still continue to love those people and those kids. So now I turn the page and anxiously await the countless number of missionaries and students I am being called to love these next two years. Nebraska, you better watch out. God has big things in store for us.

3/4 of Team UNL!

"And what is the secret of perseverance? Love. Fall in love, and you will not leave Him." - St. Josemaria Esciva

Today we had our first day of all staff formation. We started with an overview of why we do formation and mentorship, and then dove right in to leadership and the virtues of humility and magnanimity.  After our overview, Fr. Kevin Dyer, a Jesuit from Denver, jumped right in to talk to us about leadership.

He spoke to us about images of leadership in the new testament. I loved these two things Fr. said in regards to our formation:

"A Christian leader is someone who leads people to a certain life not by pointing the way but by showing the way and setting the pace. The followers are attracted to your way of life."


"We will make the commitment these five weeks to look at ourselves and say, 'I hate my sin and I hate anything that will keep me from leading others to Christ and that will keep me from being transformed.'"


I love how true they ring. As a missionary, it will not be my job to sit around and tell people what to do. Rather, my job will be to deeply and intimately invest in the lives of college students. My job will be to love them, and my job will be to take them by the hand as I show them how to follow Jesus. We spend these intense five weeks to form ourselves because we cannot give away what we have yet to receive. Christ called us here not just so we can change lives on the campus, He also wants to make big changes in us.

When I started to get overwhelmed by the great task that is this job, Fr. Kevin said, "we learn our character by imitating. Just look at the wonderful people that surround you!" He encouraged us to imitate each other as we are all striving to imitate Christ.

"God provides if we're willing to say 'yes.' If you are, get rid of your fears and Christ will form you." 

The rest of today was followed by more classes and a lot of intentional time with our colleges. Today my college ate dinner together and had two hours to hear each other's testimonies and unpack what we learned in class today.

Yesterday, Biking for Babies made a stop in Champaign. They rode all around the country to share the pro-life message and to raise support for pregnancy centers this past week. I admire how these individuals took an active stand to support something they believe in.

I am looking forward to meeting the men in our BroCo (brother college) on Thursday, beginning classes on the spiritual life, and to continue to make new friends.

"It all starts here - at the foot of the cross."

Those were Curtis Martin's, the founder of FOCUS, words to us last night as we gathered for our first event as the 2012-2013 staff. We gathered in the chapel, in the presence of the Eucharist, because we cannot do this mission without centering ourselves on Christ.

These first two days were about resting before we hit the ground running on Monday.

They were about recommitting ourselves to Christ so that we may bring Him to others.

They were about making new friends and taking small steps to build intentional community.

 They were about calming our fears and eliminating our anxieties before we begin.

We are separated into thirty-nine small groups, called colleges, of men, women, and married couples. The eight other women in my College of Saint Therese of Lisieux are here to be my small community in the midst of 300+ missionaries. They will be the women I eat with, pray with, and play with. They will challenge me to grow in holiness and shape me as I prepare to set out on this mission. I am excited to run alongside them as we recommit ourselves to Christ each day.

These past two days reminded me of why I said 'yes' to FOCUS and they helped me become energized. I am so pumped for our first classes tomorrow and to hear more the heart of this mission.

Let's Run.

I spent the entire month of March discerning what God was calling me to do after graduation. It was actually a pretty great month full of discernment weekends, interviews, and retreats. The hypothetical, "if I get an offer" was easy to entertain in my head, but once the offers and acceptances came in, I became extremely anxious about the whole thing. Questions were constantly racing through my mind: what if I made the wrong choice? What if I thought God was calling me to this ministry, but He actually was calling me to this other one? What if He asks me to do something and I tell Him no? What if I can't do it?

Pretty overwhelming.

I had made a decision and a promise to God after my FOCUS interview weekend. But then doubts crept in and I came up with countless excuses as to why I was not called to that ministry. Conversations with people who did not support that decision did not help either. Though I was pretty confident God was calling me in that direction, I was terrified of disappointing my family, being looked down upon by the world, and failing at fundraising my salary. I talked myself out of it and convinced myself that God was calling me elsewhere. So I told FOCUS "no," and chose something else.

And then everything came crashing down around me. I began to fall, very quickly. I made some huge mistakes. I stopped praying, and essentially had to drag myself to mass on Sunday. Those last two weeks of lent were a mess as I began to forget my identity in Christ.

The day after my last post, Megan and I had lunch with a Marian Sister. Sister Abigail Marie was a second year novice and she reminded me so much of myself. Megan left our lunch to go to our holy hour, leaving me and Sr. Abigail Marie alone. I began to spill my worries, anxieties, and fears to her. I told her about my promise to God, my inability to pray, and everything that was going on. She very wisely sympathized with me, and encouraged me to really examine with God what was going on. Afterwards I had a great prayer time in adoration and started to slowly allow myself to reconcile with Christ.

Sr. Abigail Marie (source)

But then I let fear creep in again. At lunch I had told Sr. Abigail Marie that I wanted to attend the Marian Sister's Holy Week Retreat (Holy Thursday - Holy Saturday), but I could not bring myself to register. By Wednesday I had convinced myself I was not going, but when I opened my email in the morning, I saw an email from Sister asking if they should plan on my attendance or not. I thought to myself, "Fine. I will go." I had a test on Thursday morning, and I had to put my pencil down, put my hands on my head, and take deep breaths to make myself stop worrying about the retreat.

So I drove to Lincoln, Nebraska to go on my very first silent retreat. Before the silence started, I met a FOCUS Missionary from the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, and reconnected with two other girls that were on my interview weekend who had accepted their offers to be missionaries. I sighed to myself as I began to deeply realize that this calling was not going to go away.

That night, we were able to "keep watch and pray" with Christ. I forced myself to immediately go to confession. Nervously, I opened the door to the confessional, shut it, and walked forward.
"In the name of the father, and of the son, and of the holy spirit."
Tears began pouring out of my eyes as I said, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It has been three weeks since my last confession. I'm pretty sure God is asking me to be a FOCUS Missionary and I told Him no." What? Where did that come from? But I couldn't deny it. My soul had been longing for union with Christ, and by telling Him 'no,' I had put up a barrier between myself and Him.
I finished my confession, and began to listen to the counsel of the priest.
"Well, before I say anything else, about this FOCUS thing - there is always next year."
Oh boy. What I didn't tell him was when I had told FOCUS 'no' over spring break, they told me to consider my offer on the table until the end of April.

When Christ absolved my sins, I went back into adoration. I fell to my knees, still crying, and begged Jesus to confirm this call, to give me clarity beyond doubt that He was asking me to be a missionary.

As we were in our last prayer session on Saturday morning, I was pretty sure I was going to accept my offer, even without clear confirmation from Christ. I had received a pretty big grace and peace about becoming a missionary over interview weekend, so I told the Lord that would be enough for me.

I turned the page in my prayer journal and sat back in the pew to clear my head and just focus on Christ. I put my pen to my page and began to write. This is what came out:

I love the phrase "run after" when speaking about pursuing someone. It love the imagery it creates. It suggests that we're not simply investing in them. Rather, we are full forced, all in, after that person. For some, running comes easy. For me, it is hard. So running after someone is not a light or easy task. It takes every ounce of my strength and all of my attention. It is something that will completely exhaust me. But unlike reaching a finish line in a marathon where you receive a medal and some water, running after a person yields a much higher reward. It yields companionship. It yields peace. It yields friendship and love. Best of all, it yields Christ's favor knowing you willingly said "yes" to His urgings to pursue that person. Better still, running after Christ yields the highest reward - heaven.

So bring on the shortness of breath, the cramps in my side, and the sore muscles. Bring on the dehydration, the seemingly endless miles, and the mental and physical exhaustion. I am ready and willing to spend the rest of my days not just pursuing, but running this marathon to get to Christ.

Dana and I had used that term a few days prior when talking about the girls in my Bible Study, so I guess it was fresh in my mind. I really do love the imagery of it, but wasn't really sure where those words came from.

After the final talk of the weekend, the sisters gave us each a crucifix, a bottle of holy water, and a quote card. They told us they hoped it would give us encouragement in what we had heard from God or would sum up the retreat for us in some way. Here is mine:

...talk about confirmation. Tears immediately came and I knew, with clarity beyond doubt, that Christ was asking me to be a FOCUS Missionary and to run after college students for the next two years.

So in 7 hours, I will embark on this journey. I ask your prayers for the mission and for all of the students I will encounter. I know this will not be an easy two years and that I will face many challenges. But as I look to the future, I see joy in knowing I am following His plan for my life. I am ready to run.

3rd Annual Greek Gala

Studying defense mechanisms such as denial seems to be quite the appropriate time to update my blog. I have had quite the busy week - I've been working hard to work ahead so next week isn't too crazy with all of my exams.

On Thursday, I attended the 3rd Annual Greek Gala. In 2010 Ryan, Leigh, and I planned the first gala in quite a long time.  Though it was weird not being in charge of the event in some capacity, it was fun to see how the event had evolved. I loved seeing a few members of my old council, friends I don't get to see much of any more.

The slide show showcased pictures of each chapter and their success throughout 2011. We mingled among leaders from each chapter as we ate from the chocolate fountain and celebrated how much we have grown in inter-fraternalism in three short years.

I got emotional as I was walking across campus towards Levitt Hall. Panhellenic has played a huge role in my college career and I have grown so much because of the people who I have met because of it.

This was the first realization that I am graduating in forty-three days. I do not have adequate words to express my gratitude for the opportunities these people have provided me with.

As DG's Greek Programming Representative, I learned that I have a knack for planning events and am passionate about positive programming.The support and encouragement from Peter and Tisleen gave me the courage I needed to run. This position launched every single thing I was able to do on campus and set up an incredible foundation for personal growth.

In 2010 I learned how to balance a ridiculous schedule, how to incorporate DG's values into my everyday life, how to lead with integrity, and how to pull off (seemingly) flawless events. I gained incredible best friends who I learned how to lead from and looked up to more than I could imagine. They were there for me when times got harder than I could have imagined and encouraged me in my pursuit of bettering the community. That year was filled with incredible hardships, and without the women on that council, my programming partner, and advisor, I'm not sure how I would have made it through.

As president I learned how to be a servant leader and how to support the tasks and goals of the women on my council. 

These women turned into wonderful, close friends who I learned so much about being fair and working for a common good from.

These friendships taught me what it means to be a member of Kappa Kappa Gamma, Alpha Phi, Alpha Delta Pi, and Kappa Alpha Theta. I know I more fully appreciate the diversity of the Panhellenic organizations because of these women.

While walking over to the Gala on Thursday, I was overwhelmed with gratitude for these relationships. I was excited to see the friends who would be there, but I wished Leigh, Amelia, Kari, and Ryan could have been there as well.

I was so proud of my sisters who won individual awards that evening, and was proud and emotional when receiving mine. I went through a lot of hard months striving to make our campus a better place, and it was so great to be recognized for those achievements alongside the other incredible leaders in our community.

Congratulations to all who won an award this past Thursday and to those who were nominated. I cannot thank those I have worked with these past three years enough for allowing me to grow alongside you. Thank you for putting up with my rantings, mistakes, inspirations, and long meetings (anyone up for thirty minute highs and lows?). Thank you for encouraging me to keep trying even when it seemed like no one else would ever understand the importance of our values. Thank you for letting me cry with you and thank you for letting me laugh with you.

Most importantly, thank you all for being my friend. I am so proud to be a member of the Drake Greek Community and will value these years and friendships for all my years to come.