Moving On & Identity

SEEK2015 is over. I'm sitting at my kitchen table, drinking coffee, with Penny & Sparrow playing in the background thinking about how strange that is. Every waking second for the past four months have been consumed by this conference. This past year has been spent pouring over preparations to make this conference for 10,000 a reality. And now it's all over.

Sure, there are bills to pay, wrap up meetings to have, and summary reports to write. But for the the vast majority of the world, it's over. On to the next thing, right? Now it's time to pour into NST and into SLS and wrap my mind around the next big event FOCUS will be hosting.

That's what I thought the plan was.

Instead, I will be packing up all of my things and moving away from Denver and away from FOCUS to a fresh start in a few days. I'm terribly overwhelmed, excited, and sad. These people I've had the incredible honor of working with these past 1.5 years have shaped me so much. I look up to them in their faith and in their professionalism, and I hope to be like them one day.

Though it is hard and though I am sad, I am at peace. Jesus' hand is upon my shoulder, mourning FOCUS with me, but turning my head towards the Chicago skyline as we take this next step in the journey together.

What is scariest for me is what the answer to that daunting question of "who are you?" will be now that FOCUS Events is in my past. I remember a moment at the very beginning of the second semester of my senior year of college when I first confronted this question. I was stumped. For the past 3 years when someone asked me who I was, I was able to list a paragraph of positions and titles that made me important on campus: Panhellenic President, VP Greek Programming, Director of Special Events, etc. When I was a second semester senior, I no longer held those positions, and I didn't know how to define myself anymore. I was asked the question, "who are you," and I didn't know how to respond.

Now here I am, three years later, when my defining role is gone again and I am left with just me and Jesus. I don't know how I will respond when the question is asked. I thought it would terrify me. Instead, the future is exciting.

On the plane to Nashville, Holly & I sat by Sr. Amata of the Servidora's.  Out of no where she started talking about how when we work in the Church, we have a higher risk of attaching our consolation and identity to our work instead of simply attaching it to Jesus. She said that when people leave their work in the Church, they are uncomfortable for a bit as they stretch and learn how to just be with Jesus, but God usually calls them out so they can learn in a deeper way that their identity lies solely in Christ.

That's what I want for myself. Identity has always been my core issue, as it is for so many. For years after my conversion, I pretended that I no longer struggled with attaching my identity to what I do and the titles I wore. But as I walk away from FOCUS, I know it is still my biggest struggle. So as Jesus and I drive the 1,111 miles to Chicago, I pray that He can begin to chip away at who I think I am and replace that idea with who He wants me to be.

So pray for me as I move to the city, and pray for me as I wrap up this chapter of life in Denver. Though I do not know what the future holds, I know it is bright, because I will face it with Jesus.

Putting Together the Pieces

This past weekend, Sister Colleen gave a talk on moments when God has come down and touched our lives. She asked us to reflect on eight key moments in our lives where this has happened and to carry them with us as we took time to figure out who we are now. 

1. Little Miss Christie Auditions 

In the 6th grade, I didn't get cast in the school play. I was pretty bummed. So about two months prior to auditions the next year, I started praying every single day. I would say my route prayers (mainly the rosary) and then ask Jesus to let me make the play. Precious. After I was cast, I keep praying almost every night, for a long time. 

Though I don't remember a specific moment, I know that this time in my life was graced. I saw the power of God and responded to it. Though it was for a silly petition, I saw that God desired my well being and began to lay foundations of prayer in my life. I really believe this response to His pursuit of me is what set me up to grow in my faith a few years down the road. 

2. Destination Jesus - Out of the Jungle

I was required to go on a retreat for confirmation.  This meant joining the ranks of DJ graduates. Though I could not tell you the specifics of what was talked about on this retreat, I can tell you exactly what happened that Saturday night in 2005. It was the first time I had experienced adoration and in that high school gym, Jesus came down and touched me. I was filled with His presence and His love and I was intensely overcome with joy. I knew, in that moment, that not only was Jesus truly God, but He was truly present in the Eucharist. This moment solidified my faith, and kept me Catholic when I was a sophomore in college. 

3. Camp Tecumseh 

Surprise, camp made the list. There are so many things I could list on how The Lord came down into my reality from campers sharing their hearts to friends to the beauty of nature to chapels. But what I want to focus on is the preparation Arielle and I put into bringing back the "10 Lepers" chapel. I think that was the first time I really sat with scripture and applied it to my life. I spent hours sitting and talking with Arielle and Tom, looking into how Jesus had worked in my life and how it had brought me to where I was today. We chose to focus on the one leper who had thanked Jesus for healing him. The humility of this leper showed me how to thank Jesus for the blessings in my own life and taught me how to listen to the voice of god in scripture. Arielle's willingness to share her heart through the experience brought us incredibly close as friends, and opened my heart to a deep friendship with Jesus. 

4. Delta Gamma - TDH

This is going to be a lame explanation, because I can't explain this one. TDH are some of Delta Gamma's secret values that correspond with who we are as a fraternity. All I can say is that when I really learned what these things meant, they launched me forward to a deepened relationship with Jesus. 

5.  Mission Trip to the Bronx

This trip opened my heart to receive Jesus' love in a new way. Here I saw how alive Jesus is today. I was blown away by how present He was in such a huge city, and how many young people across our country are fighting for Him. Here I opened my heart to what Jesus wants for my life, not just the plan I've created. That has made all the difference these last few years.

6. FOCUS 

Oh, FOCUS. As I reflect on the people Jesus has put in my life to draw me to Him through this organization, I am overcome with gratitude. FOCUS came into my life right as I started to respond to Jesus' pursuit of me. All of the missionaries and students that I have been blessed to know have challenged me to respond to Jesus' love for me, to go deeper, and to share my faith in a new and radical way. I have learned to pray, how to be present, how to love, and so many more things because of FOCUS. I am so grateful to this organization. I am who I am today because of FOCUS. I am so glad FOCUS is still a part of my life and I am excited to see how being an office missionary will continue to shape my life.

7. The Visitation

This summer, pregnant Mary started stalking me. And she hasn't left me alone. I'm pretty okay with it. Mary's journey to help her cousin Elizabeth is her response to being filled with Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Mary says yes to God, is filled with the two other members of the trinity, and immediately, without hesitation, sets out to serve others. I want to be like this. I've stayed with Mary's Magnificat and this image for a few months now, and the more I reflect on it, the more I want to be like Mary. I want my yes to God to bring Jesus to other people, simply in being who I am.  

8. Moving to Colorado

This might have just happened, but these past two months have just been saturated with Jesus. I told a friend last week that I feel like I'm on the cusp of something big. Never has my faith been so consistently alive. I am learning to be more self aware, to trust the desires Jesus has given me, and to live in the physical presence of God. I know that this is graced time, and the deepening of my trust in Gods love will set me up for an ever deepening relationship with Jesus. 

The pieces of our lives come together, as signs of God's love for us. They may not fit where we thought they would, but they all play a critical role in shaping who we are.

Cheesey, yes. But I liked it. 

Here We Go

here we go, one more time, everybody's feeling fine, here we go now...

Alright, alright, I'm a slacker when it comes to writing. I can't even begin to tell you how many times writing and planning for writing ends up uncrossed off on my to do list. I could blame it on being busy or so many other things, but when it comes down to it, I was just slacking.

Many times I would start to write again, but then question of why am I doing this would come up...so I would stop. It is so easy to highlight the perfect parts of my life as I'm writing, but that's not reality. Last year there was a lot of suffering coupled with my joy and I wasn't sure how to articulate it without feeling fake. So even though I really wanted to write, I just didn't.

Jesus and I talked about it, and I'm going to start writing again. Here's why:

1. To document my growth during this "critical decade"

Seriously, every few months I look back and feel so different than who I was before. The decisions we make in our twenties will effect the rest of our lives (seriously. that's one of the reason's I'm a FOCUS Missionary). With such rapid growth and change, it is nice to have the means to document it so I can look back and see where I was compared to where I am now.

2. To share the light of Christ and the beauty of His Church through media as a part of the New Evangelization

My relationship with Jesus is very intimate, but every good gift that He gives is meant to be shared. Jesus loves us each uniquely and personally, but He gives us the gift of others to encourage us in our walks of faith. If my journey and relationship with Jesus can help someone else, then heck yes I want to write about it!

As I've fallen deeper and deeper in love with Christ and His Church, the more I've desired to share this love. We are called to do this in all ways! I talk about Jesus in my real life and my social media life. Why not share this love via the bloggosphere!?

3. Spiritual Gifts Inventory 

One time last year I thought about completely deleting my blog off the internet, and then I got a letter from an old college friend. She had been watching The Tudors, and had become fascinated by the beauty of the latin prayers of the Rosary that Catherine, Henry VIII's first wife, would pray on the show. This compelled her to research modern day examples of people living out their Catholic faith. I received one of the kindest letters I've ever received from her, telling me how she had read through my old posts and was inspired by the work I was doing with FOCUS. So after that, I decided I should probably leave this up.

That experience with my friend coupled with the results from the St. Catherine of Siena Spiritual Gifts Inventory that I took last year further convicted me that I needed to step up my game and start writing again. This was one of the coolest tests I've taken. It takes real situations from your life and simply points you towards some of the ordinary gifts of the Holy Spirit that you could have. It is meant as a way to encourage you to pursue some of them more deeply to see if this is a gift God has given to you to bring others to Him. Writing was one of my top potential gifts. If God has given me the ability to inspire others to draw close to Him through my writing, then I will write. "Let us use the gifts given to us by grace..." - Romans 12:6

4. To stay connected with my mission partners and friends

Yup. Stay tuned for thoughts on my mission, Jesus, friendship, and all other kinds of good, random things. Enjoy this picture of me and my friend Megan in bear costumes:

I can't wait to tell you about the ministry fair.

5. To push myself

I love writing because I love critical thinking and analyzing. Writing consistently will give me a formal outlet for this and will allow me to use my voice. It will help me to fully develop my thoughts and opinions and practice expressing them in a formal manner.

So there it is! We're going to try this again more consistently.

NST Round 2

I was editing the UNL FOCUS announcement blog today and I saw that I had an unpublished post on my own blog! Here are some reflections from the middle of NST this past summer:

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Greetings from the Middle-of-Nowhere, Florida where the air is thick, the alligators are plentiful, and FOCUS New Staff Training is in full swing! This year has been wild. It seems as if it was just yesterday that I sat in my room at Newman at the University of Illinois - Champaign full of excitement, anxiety, fear, hope, and anticipation as I tried to fundraise my salary so I could make it to the University of Nebraska - Lincoln by August 12.

Now that NST2013 is more than halfway over, it seems appropriate to reflect on the differences from this year and last.

The most obvious is that I'm a second year and I actually know people here. My schedule is much less demanding, leaving a lot of free time for good holy missionary things (like naps and beers). I feel so much different than who I was a year ago, even who I was a month and a half ago. Something happened when I set foot on Ave Maria's campus and the door was closed on my first year with FOCUS. There is a undertone of peace that seems to come with me even in the midst of suffering and desolation. I don't know how to explain it. Today I was talking with my disciple, Shelby, and I could only describe it as a calm. Coming to training hot off of the dating fast terrified me, as I felt it would be full time job to confront my vocation in the face. And yet, I am sitting in this place of uncertainty and my only desire is to live in the present and pursue deeper intimacy with Jesus at all moments. I don't want to give off the impression that everything is perfect and that I'm overflowing with happiness at all times, because that is the furthest thing from the truth. But there is an undertone of peace that makes it all bearable.

Clarity. God has been working and working in my soul. Usually I can feel my prayer moving but I have no idea what is happening. This summer is the exact opposite. I felt like nothing was happening until last Monday when everything spilled out. Since then Jesus and I have been putting them in order, just so I can begin to make sense of what is going on. I am in a place where I am seeing so many causes and effects and I can see so clearly what I am struggling with and where Jesus wants me to be...but I have no idea where to go or what to do with it. I had a great talk with Sr. Virginia Joy of the Sisters of Life and she gave me some great advice.

Along the lines of clarity, I also have a deep peace about going to the support center. It was such a hard choice - I am going to miss my students and my team so much, but I know that God is calling me to the Denver Support Center. I am so excited to be in this role...but more on that later.

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That's as far as I got. I will update later this week with more deets on the move and my life as an office missionary. Bye for now!

The Principle of Continuous Improvement

I am constantly reading about and coming up with things to do to help me become the best version of myself. I get overly excited as I discover what I should do next. I'm a jumper - I go from zero to sixty in one goal setting experience. I haven't worked out in forever? Go every day this week. I want to pray more? Add an additional holy half hour. I want to start writing again? Blog every day without exception. And then I fall miserably on my face because I pile all these things on top of each other at the same time. So it's more like zero to 500 in one day.

And it never lasts. The next time I want to try I don't do it because I failed so miserably the time before. Suddenly these goals and desires of mine are a page out of Shauna Niequest's Bittersweet screaming "DO EVERYTHING BETTER" at me, paralyzing me. So I do nothing.

I'm reading Matthew Kelly's The Four Signs of a Dynamic Catholic (read it and get it for free here) and he talks about using the principle of continuous improvement for our spiritual life. Basically this principle suggests that implementing one minuscule step towards your goal in your daily life each week allows people to feel empowered and motivated to make positive changes. Instead of feeling overwhelmed, you are able to take control of your life and the growth you desire. You will grow over time, and these just noticeable differences are a non-threatening way to change.

After many series of repeated failures, this principle excites me. However, my problem is that there are about one million and one areas in my life that I want to improve with this principle. Which would continue to lead me down the failing path of zero to 500.

These next couple of weeks I will be focusing on growing in just one area. I have chosen Matthew Kelly's first sign of a Dynamic Catholic: prayer.

The Christian Life cannot sustain itself without prayer. As a missionary, I've grown so much in this over the course of the year. I have become consistent and I have actually learned to listen. But I still have quite a long way to go.

The best version of myself would not only faithfully stick to my daily prayer routine, but would have a life that is a constant flow of conversation with my God. For me, my first step is the morning offering.

How can I expect to flow in and out of conversation with Christ if I don't talk to Him at the start of my day?

That's where I'm at. I'm not making any promises of consistent posting (even though that's on my short list) because I really want to focus on the slow and steady growth.

For now, I will begin my day calling the name of Jesus to mind and offering Him my day.


I'll be back soon. Pray for me that I might grow closer to Christ this lent.

"It all starts here - at the foot of the cross."

Those were Curtis Martin's, the founder of FOCUS, words to us last night as we gathered for our first event as the 2012-2013 staff. We gathered in the chapel, in the presence of the Eucharist, because we cannot do this mission without centering ourselves on Christ.

These first two days were about resting before we hit the ground running on Monday.

They were about recommitting ourselves to Christ so that we may bring Him to others.

They were about making new friends and taking small steps to build intentional community.

 They were about calming our fears and eliminating our anxieties before we begin.

We are separated into thirty-nine small groups, called colleges, of men, women, and married couples. The eight other women in my College of Saint Therese of Lisieux are here to be my small community in the midst of 300+ missionaries. They will be the women I eat with, pray with, and play with. They will challenge me to grow in holiness and shape me as I prepare to set out on this mission. I am excited to run alongside them as we recommit ourselves to Christ each day.

These past two days reminded me of why I said 'yes' to FOCUS and they helped me become energized. I am so pumped for our first classes tomorrow and to hear more the heart of this mission.