A Great Cloud of Witnesses: A New Project

I truly believe one of the greatest gifts Christ gave us in the Church are the saints. I know I struggle when I try to run after Him alone, but when I have someone cheering alongside me I am encouraged, motivated, and propelled deeper into the Heart of Christ. 

This is definitely one of the reasons why I'm so big on community. This is also one of the reasons why I love Hebrews 12:1 so much:

Since then we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

Man, was I surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses in FOCUS. These incredible people gave up so much to pursue Jesus wholeheartedly. 

FOCUS' mission is on the college campus, but it's real mission is to launch people into lifelong Catholic mission. But now that I'm working in the "real world" (as real as a college campus can be), I really have to ask - what does that even mean? 

I know what it looks like in a Parish, and thanks to the many Catholic mom's that I stalk whose blogs I follow, I think I have an idea of how to do it once I start a family.

But what does life long Catholic mission mean for me as a single 20-something professional young adult? Heck, what does being Catholic even look like as a single-20 something professional young adult?

Honestly, I don't know. I don't have much experience with it, and my cloud of witnesses is looking small.

I know you're out there. You are the warriors, the white martyrs, the saints of tomorrow. You love Jesus with your whole heart, and you inspire your co-workers and your friends to be better people. I want to talk to you, to learn from you, to add you to my cloud. 

And so today, I am very excited to announce my new project: A Great Cloud of Witnesses. 

I will be talking to professional Catholic women that you and I know, and asking them about their faith. After we chat, I will be sharing what I learned here so that we can unite as the one body of Christ and be strengthened in our faith.

This project is meant for us to lift one another up, to inspire one another in our journey towards heaven. It is to remind us that we are not alone as we try to pray and figure out how to honor Jesus in our work. Most of all, it is meant for us to learn from our sisters who are running after Christ.

Before I start, I need your help! What do you want to know from these women? If you could sit down with them for coffee, what would you ask them? What about being a professional Catholic is hard for you?

Who do you know that you admire as a professional, Catholic or Christian woman? I have a list started, but I want our cloud to grow. 

Tell me what you know or who I should talk to by filling out this survey. As a thank you for your assistance, you'll be entered into a raffle to win Shauna Niequist's new devotional, Savor, and a $25 Amazon Gift Card. You can enter the Raffle by tweeting this link to share this project with your friends, and by filling out the survey. 

Please pray for me and for everyone that will be involved as I venture out on this journey. I'm so excited to begin and I pray that together, we will be inspired to run the race that is set out for us.

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What I Learned About Community While Biking 28.2 Miles Down a Volcano

At 10,023 ft above sea level, you can't see all the way down to the bottom. You can only see clouds. And, well, the crater.

The view as the sun rises is breathtaking, but I think my family has just as much fun huddling around each other like penguins trying to stay warm.

Once we see the blazing sun, the six of us pile back into the van with three other couples to drive out of the national park.

Owen, our guide, lectures us about the rules for the ride and how many different ways there are to die. I'm extremely nervous - I'm not very athletic and I'm suddenly not very confident about my ability to balance on a bike. Owen lines us up by height (shortest in the front, tallest in the back), and we're off.

We fly down the side of the volcano, reaching speeds up to 30 miles per hour. It is exhilarating. It is cold. It is beautiful - I can see all the way down to the Pacific.

The rider in front of me, Daisy, is terrified. She is riding her breaks, causing me and all nine riders behind me to do the same. Owen coaches her, trying to coax her to let go, but it doesn't seem to do much.

At first, I am frustrated. The breaks hurt my hands and I want to go faster. But then I realize that Daisy is doing the very best she can. Owen is setting the pace, and I am staying close behind her, my very presence pushes her along, encouraging her forward.

Later, when Owen rearranges us and I am in front, I am the pace setter. Every little move I make affects the rest of the group. When I break, they break. When I speed up, they speed up.

As we flew down the volcano it struck me that this is not unlike community. I am going to reach the beach no matter how fast we go and whether or not Daisy herself does. But her progress affects me. If she slows down or falls away from the faith, I must slow too. I miss out on the beauty of the full family of God.

But when she flies, oh, but when she flies, she paves the way for me to fly too. Her holiness and closeness to God show me an example that allows me to flourish.

And when one of us messes up, or struggles, like when my mom couldn't get her bike to stop on a giant hill, one of us can reach out to assist, helping each other reach the finish line.

So while I could have biked down the volcano on my own, the experience was so much better in communion with others. Thank you Jesus, for giving us community to help us fly towards you.

Your Grace Is Enough. Or, How Facebook Made Me Cry for 3 Hours Last Saturday

This season has been a rough one. God asked me to change and give up some big things. Instead of embracing it, I fought and fought against the waves and ended up with some pretty rough wounds. And then, instead of letting them heal, I picked the scab off over and over again, until I thought those wounds might never heal. 

Recently, I've been struggling with the "what ifs" of my life. In particular, what if I had served as Lake Village Directer at camp in the summer of 2012 instead of being a FOCUS Missionary? What would my life be like? Who would I be?

Great is your faithfulness, oh God.

I think the hardest part about this particular "what if" is that there is no question in my mind that FOCUS is what I was supposed to do at the time. FOCUS is where God called me to be during that time (and still is calling me there now). But I think I will always wish I could have done both. And for some reason, this particular "what if" has even swirling around in my heart all summer long.

You wrestle with the sinner's restless heart.

So after an afternoon of feeling particularly disconnected from community, I opened up Facebook to avoid cleaning my room. My newsfeed was filled with smiling faces of beautiful people loving on campers and camp friends. And then, the tears came. Fat, warm, and constant - the kind that makes it hard to breathe a little. When I couldn't stop, I picked up the ukulele to distract myself, and I found myself praying as I played.

Jesus, why? Why this delayed pain, this strange sense of mourning, this weird resurfacing of an attachment?

As I calmed down, I found that what needed mourning wasn't the loss of that job or my time at camp - it was a version of myself.

You see, everyone's twenties are a whirlwind of change. The past three years have been particularly full of weird and hard changes. I went from being a Panhellenic President/camp counselor/college student to a Catholic Missionary at a large university to a 9-5 desk job Event Planner. And in the wake of these past years and changes, I haven't allowed the to dust settle. 

You lead us by still waters and to mercy.

The realization of that I am someone so, so different, yet very much the same hit me hard. And at first I wasn't happy about it. During those beautiful years of summer camp and college I knew who I was. I was confident, good at what I did, and surrounded by people that I love. 

Now that I've launched into the real world, I've discovered it's a bit lonely and that it changes you. Parts of me that I love have died. Some I let go willingly, others disappeared without me noticing, and others I clawed at and cried as I watched them leave.

And nothing will keep us apart.

As we move on to new and different things in our lives, sometimes we have to leave behind our old selves to make room for the new. This can be painful, especially when that old self is associated with happy memories and dreams and seasons of our lives. For me, it's painful because I know I'm not quite settled into this new season and this new version of myself.

So remember your people, remember your children, remember your promise, oh God.

It's funny because I've prayed for self-awareness, and now that it has come it is painful and I don't really want it. But in this time of transition, I take hope in knowing that my plans are little and small and nothing compared to what God wants. He leads me by still waters, He restores my soul. Psalm 23. And I know that to fully blossom into who He created me to be, I must continue to let this part of me go.

Your grace is enough, 

Though my season of Camp Tecumseh has gone and passed, I am grateful for it. I would take this time of mourning and growing into a new self all over again because I could not become this new person without that time at camp.

your grace is enough, 

So though it is painful right now, thank you Jesus for loving me enough to change me. Break me of anything that breaks your heart. Mold me into the woman you see and know, just stay by my side as we work through this. You are worth this struggle.

your grace is enough for me.

And in the end, I hope that like St. Paul I will be able to say, "It is no longer I, but Christ who lives in me." Galatians 2:20.

3 Things To Do When You're Feeling Lonely

OK, real talk: sometimes, being a 20-something sucks.

Being a real adult can be pretty. I know that I am not alone - Jesus is with me, I have friends all over the country, and I know I am blessed with many people who love and care about me. But sometimes I just feel lonely, you know?

When I get stuck in these ruts, I want to curl up in my bed, watch endless hours of Netflix, eat Cherry Garcia FroYo from Ben & Jerry's, and sometimes just cry for no reason. The last thing I want to do is be around people - it just takes so much effort.

Yet wallowing in this doesn't accomplish anything. So instead of quitting everything I am involved in so I can watch every television show ever made, I try to fight the loneliness by getting out of my comfort zone.

How I tackle the days I feel lonely can be summed up in these four words from Papa F:

Step Outside of Yourself.

These words are big and bold on my bathroom mirror, so I have to see them multiple times a day. When I'm feeling alone, I am believing a lie that I am not valuable, unloved, and a burden to others. Stepping outside of myself immediately cuts through these lies and allows me to glimpse the version of myself who God is asking me to be.

The three main ways I step outside of myself are in my mission, in my community, and by practicing gratitude.

In Mission:

There is no better way to be grateful for who you are and what you have by serving others. Go to a soup kitchen. Buy the homeless man on the street lunch. Teach someone something. Get involved in a ministry that occurs fairly often to help you get into the habit of serving.

For me, it helps to turn my attention to my relational ministries. Once I start day dreaming about the things I would love to do with my high school girls, I get caught up in the excitement and immediately start making plans. Suddenly I seem to forget my emotional state of loneliness because I want to be there for these girls and show them that they are not alone. 

In Community:

This one is a little harder, because it involves directly addressing the wound I am feeling. But the best way to fight loneliness is to reach out to someone else. Who knows, maybe you will have reached out to them at the perfect time. Write a letter. Call a friend who lives far away. Make plans to grab coffee or ice cream with someone. I don't care if you were the one who initiated hanging out/talking last - kill your pride and offer love to a friend. The moment someone reaches back your belief that others do not care no longer exists. Pour into them, ask them good questions about their lives. Investing in another human pulls you out of yourself and helps you love yourself better.

Practicing Gratitude:

"Everything sucks and no one likes me." Unfortunately, these words have come out of my mouth plenty of times. Now, I try to sit down at least once a week and write out a list of what I'm grateful for. I don't put a limit, but I try to get to at least ten things. Even if they are simple, like "I'm grateful I can drive myself to work every day," or if they seem silly, like "I'm grateful Lovesick came onto my iPod this morning," write them down and remember the gratitude. Sit with these things, and really allow yourself to be thankful. This can help us force perspective, and can help us focus on what we do have instead of what we think we do not.

So the next time you're feeling lonely or unwanted or unvalued, I challenge you (and myself) to try to remember to step outside of yourself and do one of these things. 

BONUS POINTS if you engage in some mission with other people and then are grateful for it later.

P.S. Tried stuff like this and nothing seems to help? Don't hide and don't be ashamed. There's a difference between occasionally being down and lonely and being depressed. Check out this website to find a Catholic therapist near you. Remember, no matter what, you are loved, you are important, and it is okay to need a little help.

MARCH In Review: How I failed a lot

This month, I wanted to focus on my relationship with Jesus. So I set all of my goals around this feat. 

1. Committing to my holy half hour. Like getting there right at 10:30 and not leaving until 11:00.

• I actually did this! But prayer was still hard. However, I'm trying to remember that half of the battle is showing up. So it's a start.

2. Making 3 additional visits to the Blessed Sacrament each week. 

• Fail.

3. Making it to daily Mass 4/5 days of the week. I mean, we have a chapel with daily Mass in our office. I have no reason not to go as often as my work schedule allows it!

• Fail. I went to Mass, but not 4/5 times per week. I'm still working on getting out of the habit of working through Mass. 

4. Getting in the habit of practicing the presence of God.

• Semi-success. I love this practice, but it hard to do. I'm definitely working on making it a habit and I practice Jesus' presence whenever I remember. So...I'm working on it.

I didn't really want to write this post because I did not do well with my goals or doing my part in growing my relationship with Jesus. I honestly slacked off this month. Which is dumb for a lot of reasons. But I want to be honest and practice vulnerability because I think that is something we all could be a little better at. 

Sometimes, I read other people's blogs and get discouraged because they are so holy/funny/creative/perfect. And I realize that these people aren't really perfect and aren't even really trying to portray themselves as perfect, but it's a way the devil can attack me. So I want to be honest with you and let you know that in no way, shape, or form am I perfect or really, really holy. This month, I sucked at praying and being Catholic. And while maybe it's not okay or ideal, I am in a place where I am aware of my shortcomings and can turn to Christ for his mercy and help to move forward. I think that is a good place to start moving forward.

So by the grace of God, I plan to pick myself up and recommit to my prayer life. Jesus, give me the grace to respond to your love in my life.

there's a little bit of good in everyone

Working at summer camp is like living in the midst of a glorified middle school. Everyone knows everyone else, their business, and it is clique-city. I am super guilty of this.

Granted, it's not that anyone is intentionally ignoring or excluding others, but I think that there are two reasons why we don't branch out. 

1. We get caught in our own groups and comfort. 

My friends are fun, creative, and hilarious. I have the time of my life when I'm with them. And everyone else feels the same way about their own group.

I remember sitting around my second summer having an awesome conversation with some other veteran staff members I'd never spoken to before. We lived in the same village for 10 weeks and worked in the same unit of 10 counselors my first summer, and I'd never had a non-work related conversation with either of them. Honestly, that's unacceptable.

After my time on summer staff ended, I started coming back as a sub. Then I only knew a few other veteran counselors, and most of them I didn't know that well. As I began to spend time with them those weeks, I couldn't help but be a little bummed I didn't take more time to get to know them while we were on staff together.

2. The second reason people can get "cliquey" is because we don't have the capacity to be that close and connected with every person that crosses our path.

There is no way I could have been best friends with every counselor at camp each summer. Or best friends with every DG or FOCUS missionary. But I could have made a better effort to get to know them and had a base relationship with them.

I've always envied people who have a gift of being very present to others. You know the kind of person that when they talk to you, you really feel like they are really interested and that you are the only person they care about in that moment. I love that these people are receptive and intentional in their every day life.

My shining moment of living this out was my second summer at Camp. I was a swing cabin (meaning I switched which age group I had throughout the summer), so I had more of a chance to plan activities with every cabin, leading to a chance to get to know each counselor.

Sure, I still spent most of my time with my close friends, but I really felt like I knew every female Lake Village counselor pretty well. I had such a joyful summer, and felt I could pretty much walk up to any other counselor and have a conversation with them.

The best part of that summer was that each counselor taught me something different. Each person had a story, each person had a unique beauty, and each person had a different passion for camp. 

image via.

So as I'm thinking a lot about community this week, I'm trying to remember to step outside of myself and my comfort zone to remember that there's a little bit of good in everyone.

More Jesus, Less Stuff: Community

The month before SLS I was struggling with my relationship with Jesus. Like, really struggling. So I sat down to look at my life when I got back from SLS. What is different from last year? Where have I elbowed Jesus out? 

The first thing that struck me: I am not having intentional relationships and conversations that focus on Jesus. Stuff gets in the way and I am struggling to focus on the Lord's presence in my everyday living and friendships. 

Step 1 is awareness. Done. Step 2 is action. 

It's not that I have a lack of a Catholic community, it's that I have allowed myself to become lukewarm. When I hang out with friends, we talk about whatever or fill the space with media. If Jesus comes up, I've turned Him into an abstract idea, not a real person who is there with us. I noticed this at SLS when I was talking to a friend and I became uncomfortable talking about Jesus. Hmmm, that's a problem.

I was hanging out with Elizabeth when I got back from SLS and suddenly felt the strong need to gather some women around food to talk about Jesus. I almost didn't bring it up, but praise God for making me receptive to His nudge.

Me: "So, this is going to sound weird, but that quiche in the display case really made me want to get people together for brunch like once a month to talk about Jesus and have community."

Elizabeth: "Ah! I'm so glad you said that! I was just talking about that with Mary the other day about how that's something we really need in our lives!"

Bam. Responding to the promptings of The Spirit and being intentional.

We planned a brunch two days later and 4 other women showed up. Pretty good for last minute. We ate, we laughed, we got to know each other, and then we whipped out Flannery. 

Later, I was talking to Megan and she told me she was so grateful for the brunch. It is cool to see how it's already bearing fruit in our lives and how simply responding to a weird urge to bake quiche for my friends grew into a way to bring us all closer to Jesus. Intentional living. It's happening, man.

So to continue this theme of community, I'm writing some letters this week and taking a few days off to be with visiting friends. I'm looking for some other ways to be intentional about my friendships. What are some ways that you are intentional?! I'd love to hear in the comments!

Zombies, Community, and Stuff

Monday night I went to my first Denver Catholic Young Adult Event. I had been interested in going, but for some reason, I just hadn't made the effort to go out. However, when I heard that two of my favorite podcasters would be speaking at Theology on Tap about ZOMBIES, I knew I had to go. Why?

1. Fr. John & Deacon Nathan are hilarious. They are the main podcasters of Catholic Stuff You Should Know. Basically a podcast where they just chat about random, sweet, Catholic stuff. It's usually very insightful and they typically blow my mind with all the things they tell us.

2. ZOMBIES. I never, ever, in a million years, thought I would be into Zombie things....like Zombieland and The Walking Dead. But oh my gosh what a great movie and a great show.

3. The talk was titled "Zombies and the Thirst For Communion," so I assumed it was about the Eucharist. Which...I was wrong.

4. Jesus & zombie shows have been the base of some of my new friendships out here in Colorado (weird, I know). So we all just knew we had to go together. And obviously end the night with some Walking Dead.

In typical CSYSK fashion, this was not what I was expecting. The basic gist of the talk was that Deacon Nathan was watching The Walking Dead and after he went outside and realized how alone you would feel if your whole life was simply about survival. You would feel alone because you wouldn't have anyone to really communicate yourself to. They then talked about true friendship and how we are made for communion with God and communion with others.

We have a desire to know and be known. This can only be fulfilled by Jesus, and Jesus was all about being incarnate, in the flesh (can anyone say Eucharist!?). He created us for community with others so that we can be known and really understood. Community is about getting deep and real into the lives of others so you can support each other and build one another up.

One of my favorite things that Fr. John said was that this so called Young Adult Community is not a community. We don't have the capacity to be in true communion with the hundreds of fellow believers that are around us. But we do have the capacity to know and be known by a few. We need to invest ourselves in a few people and very intentional with them.

If you feel alone in your pursuit of Christ and you feel as if you are not really being known, there is hope. We can look to Jesus and model what he did with community. He was open and available to all, but He closely invested in 12, and then built up 3 even more within that 12. He had a core community that He was intentional with, He connected them to each other, and He worked to build them up so when He was gone they could be sent out. He did this by praying with them and living His ordinary, every day life with them for three years.

We can do this too. 

We can be intentional, like getting together with a friend or a small group each week and share where we are at with Jesus and our faith. If you don't have friends in your area that can support you in this, you have the ability to build. Gather some peers, open the Bible, and dive into who Jesus is to each of you. Be intentional about fostering and maintaining the relationships that you do have - especially the ones that lead you closer to Jesus.

I love that FOCUS does this each day on the college campus. Missionaries and students are being intentional about having a community that builds them up - people who they can be known with. At the same time they are being intentional about being that for someone else in their lives. This model of close, connected living is changing lives, changing The Church, and changing the world. It is so beautiful because it is so simple.

Fr. John ended the night by saying, "We have to change the way we're living if we want to become saints. Otherwise we'll just become zombies."

This week, I'm being intentional about being open with my friends about where I really am at with Jesus. I am grateful for my friends here in Colorado and all across the country who help me connect to Jesus, and for those I can be an agent of communion to.